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Friday, March 29 2024 @ 06:40 AM CDT

God says Pat Robertson is "totally high"

Whited Sepulchers

In quick and sighing response to beloved apocalyptic homophobic fearmongering ball of quivering godmeat Pat Robertson's declaration on the vinegary "700 Club" that there would be "mass killings" of millions of godless gay-loving iPod-worshipping Americans sometime in 2007 because, well, God Himself visited Robertson in some sort of fever dream/spaghetti-gorging session and told him so, God has issued a rebuttal statement.
"Blessings and deep divine love to all beings everywhere. Pat Robertson is huffing Krylon," smiled the Almighty, watching some rare, gorgeous black antelopes romp in the petrified forests of Australia in the year 2118, because She can do that sort of thing.

"I realize this is not news. But apparently, it must be reiterated each year: The only thing that visit Pat Robertson in the night and offer anything resembling prophecy are the assorted German fetish porn actors he ogles on grainy bootlegged DVDs and which he believes 'speak' to him after he has imbibed roughly 47 tiny bottles of bourbon from the minibar at the Colorado Springs Hyatt," She added, all-knowingly.

"Three little words about Pat Robertson: 'lederhosen ball gag.' That's all I'm saying."

In related news, late Chief Justice William Rehnquist hallucinated and thought the CIA was out to get him, strange metal rocks fell from the sky over Jersey, numerous United Airlines employees who swear they all saw something very, very strange hovering in the night sky over O'Hare airport last fall are told by the government that they're just being silly, Royal Caribbean paid a million dollars to the family of an apparently very drunk groom who mysteriously 'disappeared' from the ship one night as his wife was passed out down the hall and doesn't remember a thing, and some people actually paid real money to see "Eragon."

God just shrugged.

http://www.sfgate.com

God: "People still watch 'The 700 Club?' WTF?"

Pat Robertson welcomes in new year,
offers prayers of hope,
says you are all going to f--king die


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