HiddenMysteries: Sodomite Haggard's snake oil

Ted Haggard came out of his magical three-week excursion and today announced that he's 100% heterosexual.

No more dick for him.

Nope, none.

It’s the End Times! It’s Ripley’s Believe It or Not come to life! It’s an all-you-can-eat freak-out buffet! I’m not sure what it is, but it certainly is getting weird out there. A champion hang-glider had her kite shredded and her head pecked in mid-air by a pair of eagles. A group of sharks worked away for four days and finally succeeded in sinking a shrimp boat. A NASA astronaut drove 900 miles, clad in a trench coat and a diaper to terrify a rival in love. And Rev. Ted Haggard, after a mere three weeks of counseling, is now certified 100 percent all-American heterosexual!

The eagles may have been disturbed while nesting, and the boat was probably leaking tempting shrimp-dribblings. These things happen. But ex-gay after three weeks? I thought you had to go to Camp Homo-No-Mo all summer for that. Haggard’s Bigot Gawd can work miracles, I tells ya!

Oddly, it’s been three months since the revelations regarding Ted’s alternative worship-style, and one can’t help but wonder what the rest of that time was devoted to, if the “cure” took only three weeks. Knocking on the bedroom door, maybe, and whining, “Please, honey, let me in? It’s not like it was another woman! Honey?”

Truth to tell, Haggard wasn’t “cured”; he “discovered” that he was completely straight while in counseling. What an epiphany that must have been! Hallelujah! His three years of hot man-on-man action were just “acting out,” and he’s still working on finding out why he acted out that way. The possibility that he wasn’t acting at all seems not to occur to him, or to his four-minister oversight panel who’ve apparently sniffed and found nothing unmanly (or other-manly) about him.

Haggard and his wife intend to leave Colorado Springs for someplace where he can heal, probably somewhere where men are few, ugly, and not for rent. And they’re going to take online university courses and go into psychology, bless their helpful little hearts. I suppose they’ll be signing up at CrackpotUniversity.com or something — some school that avoids teaching that homosexuality hasn’t been a disorder in decades, and will allow Ted to get into “curing” other sinners like the one he used to be.

The eagles and the sharks have nothing on this for sheer fuck-up-edness. The man, his faithful, pitiable wife, his keepers, and his entire 14,000-strong former congregation apparently have no problem swallowing this rubbish, when it would really be more credible on the cover of the World Weekly News. That’s the weirdest part of it, really — that so many people are still confusing their own willful gullibility with faith. It freaks me out, it really does.

©2007 Christopher Stevens
http://www.sovo.com/

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Ted Haggard: Hey, I'm Not Gay Any More

Now you might laugh and think we're just teasing the good pastor, but strangely we believe him! Which doesn't frighten us as much as the ramifications of the next step, which is-- if Ted Haggard can stop being gay in just three weeks, can you become gay in just three weeks too?

No offense to our GLBT friends, but we don't want to turn gay in three weeks, and we're sure they don't want to turn straight in three weeks.

Whatever procedure Mr. Haggard went through needs to be analyzed and outlawed.

Weed is illegal but the ability for others to change someone's sexual preference isn't?

What if this technology gets in the wrong hands?

You think we're kidding? This is a man who had the ear of the President of the United States... sometimes weekly. This man wouldn't lie. He's a man of God.

If Ted Haggard says that he had a bunch of gay sex over three years, and then three weeks after treatment he's fully straight, then he needs to be fully believed.

And then fully probed.

What if the terrorist discover this technique and turn all our children gay? That's how you wipe out America. Stop people from being straight.

And how would they get to our children? The schools. Everyone knows there's a teacher shortage. Those terrorists just can become teachers and in three weeks all of our kids are switching teams and watching The View.

Ted Haggard should be arrested.

Ted Haggard should be investigated... and analyzed... and there should be an autopsy on his straight then gay then straight body.

http://www.laist.com

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Sodomite Haggard's snake oil

Wednesday, February 07 2007 @ 11:21 PM CST