HiddenMysteries: Craig's Toilet Capers

By Michael Roberts

Republicans are always carping about family and other values. Heck, the way these guys tell it the Good Old Party (GOP) is the party closest to moral, Christian and family values. Sexual hanky-Panky behavior, gay and lesbian activities, and any other kind of copulation not sanctioned by the Holy Bible are to be rejected, spurned and condemned. But these guys routinely get caught in their own pontificating and hypocritical mess, wallowing in sin and liking it.

The latest in a series of embarrassing actions for the GOP came when it was revealed that Idaho Senator Larry Craig was reportedly involved in a tawdry, shameless airport toilet shenanigan on June 11, 2007 that his arrest report said suggested that he was soliciting sexual favors in a homosexual manner. The subject of Craig’s alleged sexual desire in the men’s toilet was a cop who promptly showed the good senator his badge.

Craig pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in a public bathroom, paid a $500 fine and was put on probation for a year. But now that the press got wind of it and revealed the foot-rubbing, finger gestures allegedly initiated by the senator with his pants down to his ankles on the cop next to his cubicle, the senator says that he only pleaded guilty to “make it go away.” In true Clintonian style he never defined what “it” is.

Incredulously, at a recent press conference at which he took no questions, Craig blamed everyone but himself for his predicament and only admitted to having “overreacted and made a poor decision” and regretted his decision to “plead guilty.” “I’ve not been involved in any inappropriate behavior and I chose to plead guilty to make it go away. I am not gay,” Craig said. He then went on to blame the Idaho Statesman newspaper that he claimed had “viciously attacked me and my family for the past 8 months” for his lapse in judgment.

“The Statesman placed stress on me and my family and so I overreacted to the arrest. I take full responsibility for a lapse in judgment in attempting to handle this matter by myself,” Craig said.

Now if ever there was an arrogant and self-serving Republican then Larry Craig fits the bill. Here is a man who blasted former US President Bill Clinton for his transgressions with the buxom Monica Lewinsky now pleading with the American people to think of him as human and therefore prone to making mistakes. It was Craig who said during the Lewinsky affair that “Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy, even a nasty bad boy.”

So what do we call Larry Craig? First and without reservation an unadulterated hypocrite. Second, on the face of things an extremely stupid man whose judgment is highly suspect. On both counts he should be unceremoniously kicked out of the United States Senate for embarrassing that body and for engaging in conduct that has clearly brought that office into disrepute.

Craig now says that he’s retained an attorney to handle the case for him in an activity that has to include the withdrawal of a guilty plea. Now, I don’t know about you but that is going to be a very tall order in deed since Craig voluntarily waived his rights when he signed the guilty plea in the first place. He can’t use the “Idaho Statesman made me do it” defense since the presiding judge would have explained in great detail what his guilty plea entailed.

Moreover, the only way that Craig might, and it’s a very, very remote might – get his guilty plea overturned is if he had a problem understanding English or if he was coerced by the cops to cop a guilty plea. From all available records nothing of the kind ensued and in Craig’s own words he signed the plea deal “to make it go away.” There’s that “it” again.

Craig would have us believe that he deliberately perjured himself by pleading guilty since he was really innocent because he was under pressure from the Idaho Statesman for 8 months and he was not thinking clearly. Or that he had a momentary mental lapse in which Spanish became his first language therefore he never understood a word the judge said. Either way this sordid incident amplifies Craig’s utter stupidity and I submit as recommended reading for the raunchy senator “Personal Conduct and Bathroom Behavior For Dummies.”

He’s the worst kind of hypocrite because he has attacked every reform that did not find commonality in the Holy Bible. Craig has been a staunch anti-abortion Republican and one of the party’s pillars on Christian and family values. He’s also very stupid to have done nothing and plead guilty and equally stupid to be guilty and plead guilty knowing that once this thing came out he would be placed in a really compromising position.

Indeed, the court records underscore the bizarre behavior that Craig engaged in with the cop in the toilet and the process that was set in motion to arrive at his guilty plea. He clearly reviewed the report that was entered into the charge. That was the cop’s detailed report of the leg-rubbing and sexually slanted hand signals.

He understood the charges. He a United States senator and English is his first language. Perhaps in a brief moment of lucidity the Idaho Statesman had lifted its 8-month long pressure on the good senator. And finally and most damning Craig made “no claim of innocence against the charges.” In short, he pled guilty and certified by his subsequent actions that he was guilty as charged.

Now he says he’s not guilty. And that his admission of guilt was a mistake because he was under pressure and he “overreacted.” Hogwash. Craig was caught with his pants down and he wanted to keep this quiet. He understood very clearly that once this hit the fan his reputation as a family and Christian values zealot would be blown to bits. Craig understood that his hypocrisy would shine through as a beacon of light in the Republican darkness.

Ten years ago the American public speculated that Craig was gay (not that this was anybody’s business). He vehemently denied it. Since then he’s been relentless in his attack against gays and lesbians and a model of the Republican prototype of the reformed neo-Christian carrying a chastity belt in his briefcase to his work in the senate. His self-righteous sermonizing on morality and a value-based social system has helped to define his tenure in government. He is the last person who should have been caught in a public toilet notorious for its homosexual activities.

Craig calculated that by pleading guilty to disorderly conduct in a public bathroom the charge sheet would look much better than if he’d pled guilty to a complaint of lewd behavior in a public toilet. According to the court’s records when busted Craig offered his business card and arrogantly asked the cop “what do you say about that?” It is the kind of “we’re Republicans and so are above the law” behavior that has crystallized with the Bush Administration. But the cop whose leg got rubbed was not buying it and promptly booked the man with restless leg syndrome.

Hey, that’s a great defense - restless leg syndrome made me do it. To me that sounds much better than the Idaho Satan Statesman was responsible.

Authors Website: www.freewebs.com/robertsmedia2007
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Craig's Toilet Capers

Wednesday, August 29 2007 @ 08:08 PM CDT