HiddenMysteries: IN DEFENSE OF BIBLICAL MARRIAGE

In cooperation with God, Jesus Christ, and President George W. Bush, is proud to present:

The Presidential Prayer Team has urged us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to biblical principles. With many forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:

Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.(Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.)

Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron11:21)

A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed (Deut 22:13-21)

Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.(Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any state, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

(Original author unknown.)

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THE TOP 14 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE (author unknown)

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses -- Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz -- Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites -- Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam -- Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob -- Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David -- 1 Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain -- Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus -- Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson -- Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David -- 2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz -- Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon -- 1 Kings 11:1-3)

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TOP 7 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND (from J. Duin)

Have your husband act like a jerk toward a famous warlord while you secretly show up at the warlord's camp with muleloads of tasty provisions, at which point the warlord falls in love with you, after which point you inform your husband of the whole matter, at which point he has a stroke, dies and you marry the warlord.

Show up at a threshing floor (if you can find one anywhere outside of Kansas) in the dead of night and uncover the feet of the best-looking guy there.

Go to any old watering hole and start filling the watering jars of the guy with the most camels.

Have your good-looking sister lure someone to marry her but substitute yourself for her on their wedding night.

Hang around barren women and offer to be a concubine for their husbands' need.

Take a bath on your roof preferably in view of some nearby apartment buildings.

Make like a prostitute around guys who hear from God that they need to marry you to show the country the nature of their idolatrous ways.

(You'll have to figure out the references yourself...)

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BIBLICAL CONTRADICTIONS ON MARRIAGE

He who finds a wife finds a good thing. (Proverbs 18:22)

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. (1 Corinthians 7:1)

A man shall marry his brother’s widow. (Deuteronomy 25:5)

A marriage between a man and his brother’s widow is unclean. (Leviticus 20:21)

It is better to be unmarried and a virgin, and live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (Paul -- 1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

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There is nowhere in the bible that clearly states "one man and one woman" or "monogamy" or any words to that effect, but references to abstinence and polygamy are plentiful.

- Many thanks to John B. Hodges

http://www.godlessgeeks.com

IN DEFENSE OF BIBLICAL MARRIAGE

Wednesday, September 26 2007 @ 05:55 PM CDT