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God's Golden Hemorrhoids

Sunday, December 07 2008 @ 12:12 PM CST

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1st Samuel Chapter 5 King James Version

5:1 And the Philistines took the ark of God, and brought it from Ebenezer unto Ashdod.

5:2 When the Philistines took the ark of God, they brought it into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon.

It seems that those decadent Philistines had beaten God's choosen people in battle and made off with their most treasured possession ~ the Ark of God ~ and laid it in front of their god Dagon. Bad move, as it turns out.

5:3 And when they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the earth before the ark of the LORD. And they took Dagon, and set him in his place again .

So, rather than just returning the Ark to the Hebrews God bops the statue of Dagon ~ thy shall have no other gods before Me, remember? Instead of getting the message, the people of Ashdod, pretty dim it seems, just put Dagon back together again.

5:4 And when they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him.

5:5 Therefore neither the priests of Dagon, nor any that come into Dagon's house, tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod unto this day.

Having returned like a vandal in the night, God finally gets His point across. That, however, wasn't good enough...

5:6 But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.

5:7 And when the men of Ashdod saw that it was so, they said, The ark of the God of Israel shall not abide with us: for his hand is sore upon us, and upon Dagon our god.

5:8 They sent therefore and gathered all the lords of the Philistines unto them, and said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither.

The Philistines must have been a pretty tough bunch: don't forget they had already been killed by God and then afflicted with the hemorrhoids from hell but they still managed to hold a meeting and decide to dump the Ark on Gath.

5:9 And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.

The Ark wasn't there for long before God used His triple whammy again ~ death, destruction and hemorrhoids from the inventer of hemorriods ~ so the men of Gath, at least those that hadn't been smote or killed and could still manage to walk, decided dump the damned thing on poor, unsuspecting Ekron.

5:10 Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. And it came to pass, as the ark of God came to Ekron, that the Ekronites cried out, saying, They have brought about the ark of the God of Israel to us, to slay us and our people.

5:11 So they sent and gathered together all the lords of the Philistines, and said, Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and let it go again to his own place, that it slay us not, and our people: for there was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there.

5:12 And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven .

However, the Ekronites weren't stupid enough to try to hang on to the Ark, no doubt having heard about the death, destruction and hemorriods caused by Jehovah the Volcano god. Having to wade through piles of dead relatives must have given them pause for thought as well.

Chapter 6

6:1 And the ark of the LORD was in the country of the Philistines seven months.

Score: God ~ several thousand dead people, a couple of destroyed cities and a patent for Preperation H. Philistines ~ a huge casualties list and an epidemic of hemorrhoids.

6:2 And the Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? tell us wherewith we shall send it to his place.

6:3 And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but in any wise return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed, and it shall be known to you why his hand is not removed from you .

6:4 Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

6:5 Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land.

So, to keep God happy they decided that the ideal sweetner would be some scale models of their hemorrhoids and a few mice. Obviously the ideal gift for the Lord of heaven and earth and Creator of the universe.

6:6 Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?

It's decided then ~ hemorrhoids and mice should keep Him happy.

6:7 Now therefore make a new cart, and take two milch kine, on which there hath come no yoke, and tie the kine to the cart, and bring their calves home from them:

6:8 And take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the jewels of gold, which ye return him for a trespass offering, in a coffer by the side thereof; and send it away, that it may go.

6:9 And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us.

"Right lads, here's the plan: grab a couple cows and tie them to a cart. Don't bother with a yoke or reins. Load the hemorrhoids and mice with the ark and give the cattle a hard smack on the ass and let's hope we've seen the back of the acursed thing. If it goes past Bethshemesh we'll know that these damn hemorrhoids are all God's doing; if it goes straight home we'll know that all the death, destruction and volcanic eruptions in our neither regions were just dumb luck."

6:10 And the men did so; and took two milch kine, and tied them to the cart, and shut up their calves at home:

6:11 And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.

6:12 And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left; and the lords of the Philistines went after them unto the border of Bethshemesh.

Off goes the cart, hemorrhoids, jewelled mice and all with the Philistines following a safe distance behind...

6:13 And they of Bethshemesh were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley: and they lifted up their eyes, and saw the ark, and rejoiced to see it.

6:14 And the cart came into the field of Joshua, a Bethshemite, and stood there, where there was a great stone: and they clave the wood of the cart, and offered the kine a burnt offering unto the LORD.

6:15 And the Levites took down the ark of the LORD, and the coffer that was with it, wherein the jewels of gold were, and put them on the great stone: and the men of Bethshemesh offered burnt offerings and sacrificed sacrifices the same day unto the LORD.

Barbie time! Joshua and his mates grabbed the cart, chopped it into firewood, slaughtered a cow and had an impromptu barbarque. They did have the good sense to cook some for God, although much good it did them.

6:16 And when the five lords of the Philistines had seen it, they returned to Ekron the same day.

6:17 And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD; for Ashdod one, for Gaza one, for Askelon one, for Gath one, for Ekron one;

6:18 And the golden mice, according to the number of all the cities of the Philistines belonging to the five lords, both of fenced cities, and of country villages, even unto the great stone of Abel, whereon they set down the ark of the LORD: which stone remaineth unto this day in the field of Joshua, the Bethshemite.

If you doubt the veracity of this tale, all you have to do to prove it's truth is to go into Joshua's field and look for a stone named Abel.

6:19 And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

They shouldn't have looked in the ark ~ another 50,070 men killed by the Lord. No wonder the people lamented; killed for a quick peep at a few hemorrhoids and mice. History doesn't say if there were another 50,070 case of hemorrhoids recorded that day.

God didn't warn them not to take a peek or reproach them afterwards, or let them off easy with a plague as He had the Philistines. He killed 50,070 of them just for looking into the cart.

6:20 And the men of Bethshemesh said, Who is able to stand before this holy LORD God? and to whom shall he go up from us?

6:21 And they sent messengers to the inhabitants of Kirjathjearim, saying, The Philistines have brought again the ark of the LORD; come ye down, and fetch it up to you.

OK! We know when we're beaten. Your God's better than our god . Come and get this bloody ark back.


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