HiddenMysteries: Boating for Beginners, A Handy-Dandy Guide to Cun********

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Cunnilingus isn’t nearly as hard as it’s made out to be. However, it helps to know what you’re doing down there – and, more importantly, why.

"Your heart’s vagina be with you!" — Shakespeare Quote Generator

by Matthew

Good Sportsmanship Will Get You Everywhere

“A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork... Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins.”
- Robert DeNiro as Al Capone, from the film The Untouchables

When Pulitzer Prize-winning scribe David Mamet wrote those words, he probably wasn’t thinking about oral sex. Yet, remove the baseball talk, and you’ve got the perfect analogy for oral sex – for cunnilingus, in particular. A man stands (or kneels/lays) alone. This is the time for individual achievement – if you are so fortunate as to be invited by a woman to provide her oral gratification, you do indeed stand – or kneel, or hunch – alone. This is your time to shine. But like a batter in the batter’s box, if you haven’t taken the time to develop your skills, you’re liable to strike out. (And you might not even get invited to take part in the team aspect of the festivities if you do that poorly.)

Because in this finicky-persnickety case, it is far better a thing to be booed by 50,000 people than it is to be booed/shooed-off by one unsatisfied woman.

Getting to Know You…Getting to Know All About You

It’s probably a safe bet, that, if you’re a guy, you haven’t done a whole lot of research into the anatomical makeup of women, let alone have you read Our Bodies, Ourselves. But a little anatomy lesson might come in handy – after all, if you want to please your partner to the best of your ability, the best thing you can do is learn about WHAT you’re pleasing. It’s like baseball – if you don’t understand the strike zone, chances are that you’re going to strike out. And in grandly ugly fashion.

So let’s take a gander at what just may be nature’s finest machine – the vagina!

CLITORIS
At first glance, the clitoris is the small, somewhat button-shaped protuberance above the opening of the vagina, at the top of the inner labia. And you’d be right to perceive its similarity to the glans of the penis in its extreme sensitivity and susceptibility to pleasure. But the clitoris is in truth far more that what meets the eye. It actually surrounds and extends inside the vagina. Which means that orgasm once thought to be strictly vaginal are in fact clitoral, as it’s the clitoral tissue being primarily stimulated.

As far as the external clitoris goes, you’ll know it’s aroused when it swells with blood (again, much like the penis) and its button-shape becomes even more pronounced.

The area between the vagina and the rectum also contains erectable tissue that connects, ultimately, to the clitoris. This is why stroking, touching, or licking that area can lead to sexual arousal.

The clitoris can vary in size. When female to male transsexuals begin taking testosterone it causes their clitoris to grow. Female-to-male transgendered persons can have a clitoris that is up to three inches long.

Get to know it. Become friends with it. In fact, you’d do well to become BFFs with it. You know that saying ‘it’s who you know’? The clitoris is the ultimate proof of that saying – make it happy, and its owner will in turn bestow upon you sexual fortunes so bright as to rival the ransom of a thousand kings!

MONS PUBIS
No, this is not the name of an alien in Star Wars. It’s the soft tissue above the pubic bone, covered with a triangular tuft of pubic hair. If you like to have sex with women, then the mons pubis should be of great interest to you, as it is essentially the downward-pointing arrow indicating that you are now entering Pussyland.

LABIA MAJORA
Also known as the labia majora. The outer lips of the vaginal opening, beginning at the clitoral hood and extending down to the perineum. The majora display hair, corresponding to the male scrotum. Which goes to show that between women and men, there are a great many genitological similarities, giving a special biological credence to Irving Berlin’s famous ditty “Anything You Can Do”:

“Anything you can do
I can do better
I can do anything
Better than you”

LABIA MINORA
If the labia majora are the outer defenses of the vagina, then the labia minor represent the inner defenses. They’re the folded inner lips of the vaginal opening. The labia minora are sort of like flowers, or snowflakes – they come in a vast array of sizes, shapes, and colors – and no two examples are exactly the same.

VAGINA
While it’s common to use ‘vagina’ to summarize the female genitalia, the word itself actually refers to a very specific portion of the overall package. The vagina is, in actuality, the muscle itself – the passageway, opening just past the inner lips of the labia minora, and extending back to the cervix. In other words – if you have a penis, and if, with said penis, you have sex with women, if you have ever had sex with a woman, or if you are considering having sex with a women at some point in the future, then the vagina is where said penis goes.

G-SPOT
And moving right along, past the labia minora and inside the vagina itself, to the most hotly-contested feature of the female genitalia, in more ways than one – the g-spot. Ask a sexually happy and healthy woman if she has a g-spot, and she’ll most likely answer in the affirmative. Ask a doctor or a scientist about it, and they’re bound to give you the clinical runaround, which ultimately ends in “there is no conclusive evidence which suggests the existence of the g-spot”.
Which leads to a really important question: who’re you gonna believe – Poindexter, or the Pretty (and Pretty Naked) Lady POINTING to her g-spot and beckoning you to come hither?

Yeah; that’s what we thought. Sorry, doc – let us know when you’ve caught up, mmkay? As for the rest of us, it’s time to go Gspotting. The G, by the by, stands for Gräfenberg, the nice fellow who discovered it back in the 1950s.

Since our good friends in the scientific community are still hesitant to admit to the g-spot’s existence (most likely because there’s money to be made in the science of denial), there’s no exact consensus as to where it’s located. But generally speaking, it’s located between one-third and one-half of the way between the vaginal opening and the cervix. Trust us, though – it’s well worth your time to go looking for it. Just like the clitoris, the g-spot is another BFF in wait of your gentle ministrations. In many cases, it may feel somewhat spongy.

Keep in mind however that like penises, all female genitals are different. We’d compare them to fingerprints, but fingerprints are grimy business. So let’s draw the analogical line in the sand at snowflakes. They’re pretty, and no two are alike. As such, not every woman has pronounced g-spot – it’s there, it’s just not as easy to find. Also, not every woman is as Gspottishly sensitive as some may be. Everybody’s different. Which just makes each sexual adventure all the more fun – Gspottery is a lot like pottery: every glancing touch brings with it something…new.

BARTHOLIN’S GLAND
Also known as Bartholin glands, these are a pair of small glands to the left and right of the vaginal opening. It was assumed that these glands were responsible for vaginal lubrication; however, Masters & Johnson proved conclusively that the majority of lubrication comes from deeper within the vaginal passage.

What these glands DO do, however, is produce a very small amount of lubrication (a matter of drops), upon a woman’s sexual arousal – especially as she approaches orgasm.

URETHRA
The urethra, for women as with men, is a passageway connecting the bladder to the world outside the body. In women, the opening is located between the clitoris and the vaginal opening. However, if it should so pass that you’re lucky enough to bring a woman to – or at least witness – a woman’s ejaculation – yes, it is emanating from the urethral opening; however, it isn’t urine – it’s not even coming from the bladder, but from…

SKENE’S GLANDS
These are the progenitors of female ejaculation, located on the anterior wall of the vagina, near the lower end of the urethra. This area is a hotbed of area when it comes to female ejaculation – not only are the Skene’s within the vaginal passageway, placing them near the hallowed g-spot; but the glands themselves are surrounded by a veritable orgy of soft, sensitive tissue – including the interior part of the clitoris.

See why anatomy is so fun now?

Gone Fishin’

Now, it’s said that only certain guys actually like performing cunnilingus. These are the sorts of things usually said by the ubiquitous ‘they’: “You know, they say that only Hobbits, Ewoks, and leather-clad fashionistas like conferring cunnilingus.” They say a lot, don’t they?

Don't believe the hype. Buying into this stereotype is like limiting your sexual knowledge to whatever you managed to glean from Truly Tasteless Jokes, Volume Pi.

The first thing that They tell many young males about cunnilingus is a litany of euphemisms and exhortations about The Smell. Chances are that, regardless of whether you have ever gone down on a woman, if you are a man, you have been notified, warned, and/or beseeched as to the properties of The Smell. The tall tales of The Smell includes, but is not limited to, references toward a plethora of aquatic creatures.

The next thing They will tell you is an equally distasteful dissertation on The Taste. The ‘fishy’ thing comes up a lot from the mouths of the ever-present They; though, aside from the tuna comparisons, they never do specify what kind of fish.

In case you haven’t yet noticed, it’s usually the really skeevy dudes whose olfactory and gustatory senses are the most offended. You know – those guys who always seem to be hanging out at the gas station, chainsmoking filterless discount-brand cigarettes while discussing amongst their peer group a way to break into the highly lucrative used-tires market. Yeah, those guys. They are, in a way, the modern equivalent to Coleridge’s Ancient Mariner, though the albatross of their shared rime is not a creature of the air, but rather tuna-by-panty. And, even more so like the Ancient Mariner, they never seem to have dates at weddings.

So, for pussy’s sake, for posterity’s sake, let’s quickly dispense with the sea shanties, the feckless fishiness, the sushi-hater’s diatribes against tuna tartare – can we just get over this crap/carp already? Here – consider these factoids:

The vagina is like a high-powered battery; as such, it is at its healthiest a highly acidic environment. The vagina is fairly acidic, with a ph of 3.8 – 4.5; not a score you'd want off the high dive, but perfect for the muff dive. This is to keep her stuff healthy. Healthy stuff is good stuff. So don’t fuck with it. Unless of course she has asked you to fuck (with) it. Proper hygiene (which does not include douching – douching is BAD) does not result in a Dr. Moreau-like tuna-pussy hybrid. Also, boys, do keep in mind the effaciousness of pheromones. If you want to get to know the Power of the Pussy, then the first thing you need to do is smell the magic – and fall in love (or like) with it.

Pussy, like so many other of life’s delicacies, is best served ad gustum – to one’s taste. Which really just means this: if you like her, you’ll probably like the way she tastes. Pheromones, baby – can’t argue with nature.

But you don’t have to believe me. Take it from American songstress/philosopher laureate Jessica Simpson:

“This doesn’t taste like chicken of the sea!”

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Cunnilingus isn’t nearly as hard as it’s made out to be. However, it helps to know what you’re doing down there – and, maybe even more importantly - what NOT to do down there.

"Practice is the best of all instructors."
— Publilius Syrus, Roman author, 1st century B.C.

Why the Poets Love Cunnilingus (Except Maybe Ginsberg)

Cunnilingus, like love before (or after) it, is a many splendored thing. As opposed to being a many-Splendaed thing, since vaginas are generally not made in laboratories. Nevertheless, it is a multifarious, if not multifangled thing. Think about it. For something so simple, it sure does have a lot of applications. Women like it. Men like it. Poets LOVE it. (Just ask Sappho.)

Porn-stars and sexperts love it so much that they’ve managed to turn it into a lucrative little cottage industry, with a superfluity of merchandise guaranteed to leave the lady of your life (or anyone else’s) super-fluid and you super-studly.

It’s also a good way to make new friends, cement existing friendships, win influence among the sexual literati, and of course, queue yourself in line for an eventual Senatorial opening. It’s JUST – THAT – IMPORTANT.

And make no mistake – it’s not like there’s one way to do it. Everyone has their own method. Some of us study it like Shaolin monks; some of us SparkNotes it. Either way, there’s always a new trick (or ten) to work in to your technique. Some might work well on your partner; others may not. Remember that, once again, all women are different – that which drives Mary wild with delight might bore the holy hell out of Suzy. Variety, my friends, is ever the spice of life.

Ten Play Jacks or Better: Ten Easy-to-Follow Pointers for Better Cunnilingering
1. Don’t start cold.
Nobody likes a cold-call from a telemarketer while they’re eating dinner. At the same time, most women don’t like it when you make a beeline straight for her goodie basket. Get her warmed up first; if you don’t know how, here’s a novel idea: ask her. All women respond differently to different stimuli – so you’re gonna have to, you know, communicate.

2. The Vagina Would Like You to be Nice to It.
Vaginas are made of sensitive stuff. Therefore, it’s in everybody’s best interests that you be as gentle with it as possible.

3. How to Become the Butt of Jokes.
Tongue-fucking. Tongue-fuck her, without any stimulation of the clitoris, and she’ll probably think you’re a moron. Unless your name is Gene Simmons, your tongue probably isn’t going to reach her g-spot. So focus your attentions elsewhere. Like…

4. The Genetic Artistry of Georgia O’Keefe.
It’s the flower that isn’t but is. The upside is that you’ll never develop hayfever allergies to this flower. The clitoris is that cute little button-shaped nub near the anterior of the labia minora, or the inner lips of the vagina (or the innermost petals of an O’Keefe composition). If she’s aroused, her clitoris should be engorged. You can’t miss it. Seriously – the only thing easier to find than a clit on a woman is a Wal-Mart in America.

5. It’s Oral Sex, Dude – Not an Excuse to Make Weird Mouth Noises.
DO NOT blow raspberries on her vagina. She will not like it. Also, she will think that you are stupid. More importantly, blowing into her vagina is dangerous – you could cause an embolism. And the only score for that is FAIL.

DO NOT attempt to leave a hickey. Let’s forget for a moment how juvenile hickeys are – it’ll hurt down there. And that’s not a place where you really want to bring the pain.

If you wear any orthodontics, please remove them BEFORE going down on your partner. She may not thank you verbally; however, she also won’t kick your face off when you get her labia/curlies snagged in your orthodonture. (If your orthodonture is non-removable, you might want to consider a dental dam.)

And, just in case anatomy is not your strong suite, please keep in mind that the vagina is not a wind tunnel, nor is your partner a blow-up doll. As such, please do not blow air into her. Kisses and licks = hot; embolisms = not hot.

6. My Friend Flicka.
The act you are about to perform is not at all like a whipping. It is not a tongue-fuck, nor a tongue-lashing, nor is it a displaced game of tonsil hockey. It’s actually similar to eating soft-serve ice cream from a cone. The idea here is licks. Baby-licks, at that. Swirling, soft baby-licks. You do not need to attack it – this isn’t a blowjob in reverse; there is no need for slurping, gagging, and face-pounding. A few other things to NOT do whilst down there:

‘Flick’ is the pertinent term here. Gently flick your tongue – I said gently, dammit – at and about the clitoris. Alternate between slow, soft, short licks, and long, wet tongue-swirls around the circumference of the clit – and don’t be afraid to give the labia minora a little lick while you’re at it. The point here is that your tongue is not a penis – therefore, rigidity is neither called nor asked for. Keep your tongue relaxed – kind of like the oral equivalent of laissez-faire. All you’ll accomplish with a stiff tongue is pussy-battering. And she probably isn’t gonna like that very much.

7. Lip/Suck.
As she’s starting to get all worked up from the subtle ministrations of your tongue, don’t be afraid to switch it up a little. It’ll either serve to rev her engines further, or tease her for the next round of licking. Gently wrap your lips around her clitoris and rub them together a few times, using the tip of your tongue to tease a tiny bit more.

8. Love Does Not Bite.
If you’re a guy, you might occasionally enjoy the sensation of teeth gently biting you during a blowjob. DO NOT automatically assume she will enjoy this sensation on her bits and pieces. Otherwise, you may find yourself with a fractured mandible, after she bunny-kicks your head clear into the next county.

9. Let Your Fingers Do a Little Walking.
Just because your mouth is the star of the show doesn’t mean that your hands can’t get in on the act. After all, unless you’re in bondage (which is completely acceptable!), cunnilingus itself is a largely hands-free endeavor. Try slipping a finger inside her vagina; or, if she’s so inclined, perhaps even her anus. There’s nothing wrong with additional stimuli; in fact, many women will appreciate your extra effort, in ways you can’t even begin to comprehend (like not making fun of you to her friends – well, not much, anyway). Just ask first - because most people don't like surprises.

10. How to Know When You’re Doing it Right: Rhythm Nation 1814.
Um, she’ll probably let you know. One of the many wonderful things about women is their profound, unhinged demonstrativeness when you’re actually doing something right. Like bringing them to or near orgasm. Even if she doesn’t say so verbally, she’ll tell you through body language. Watch her abdomen – as she gets closer to climaxing, the muscles in both her abdomen and thighs will tighten. Cast your eyes askance, and you may very well see a pair of white-knuckled fists clawing at the bed. Or the upholstery. Or the cat. (Whatever happens to be in her trajectory is gonna get strangled; therefore it is a good idea to not have any breakables laying about the Cunnilinguistic Area.)

Once you’ve ascertained (via visual or oral confirmation, or at least a pretty good beginner’s course in body language 101) that she’s moved into the home stretch of the orgasmic imperative, the key thing for you to do now is maintain the rhythm. Just as common courtesy says that you leave the party with who brought you, common cunnilinguistic courtesy says that you should let her ‘go home’ with the rhythm that got her going. This is not the time to experiment; if little baby-licks are what’s got her motor running, then keep it up. She’ll tell you if you’re on the right track.

Or, she’ll just put your head in a semi-involuntary chokehold, forcing you to tap out. With your tongue. It’s called double-or-nothing. And if you play your hand right, she’ll win every time.

And while there’s no I in TEAM, there is something to be said for having a satisfied partner. Plus, it does wonders for your ego. You know those guys who walk with a gait of unapologetic, completely authentic confidence, if not swagger? That doesn’t mean they’re high-powered sports agents or ponzi-schemers. Nine times out of ten it just means that they know how to give good head.

Call it enlightened self-interest.

Why You Should Never Pussy Out of Eating Pussy
At the end of the day or the tip of the benumbed tongue, the moral of this story is that you should always do your homework when it comes to satisfying your partner. Because if you don’t, chances are your fate will consist of at least one of the following options:

- She will resent/hate/laugh at you. You on the other hand will resent being hated/laughed at, and will go insane and eat bugs down by the river.

- You will prove Darwin right: natural selection has its place in the sexual food chain, too.

- You will be relegated to the wrong end of a pie chart in a forthcoming edition of USA Today, in an article titled Women Who Are Not Satisfied By Their Partners.

- Worse yet, you’ll find your love life the subject of an expose in Cosmopolitan. The only thing worse than this is being the subject of an expose in an issue of Sassy. Yes, we realize that Sassy has been out of publication for awhile; but if your anti-prowess is that pronounced, they might consider a one-shot comeback in your honor.

- Your name will be hallowed in her circle of friends as the only person in the tri-state area who couldn’t find a clitoris if you spotted him the ‘or’ and the ‘is’.

http://www.edenfantasys.com

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The 25 Hallmarks of Bad Cunnilingus

by Lindsay Lewis

In the spirit of the ‘25 things’ meme so popular on Facebook, Lindsay offers up for you her ’Top 25 Things Not to Do When Between a Woman’s Legs’, in no particular order of offense…

The Meme of Bad Pussy Eating

Sex education is a crowded field. You can ‘how-to’ yourselves all night and day; however, sometimes the best way to instruct is in more of a 'how NOT to' sort of way. Unfortunately, there is no delicate way to approach this other than coming right out and saying it: If you (men or ladies; bad sex is an equal-opportunity endeavor) find any of your current techniques on this list, you may be guilty of Bad Pussy Eating. And if you have a pussy, then you already know that there are few things in this world worse than Bad Pussy Eating.

Now, I’m all for open communication, but if you're more the passive-aggressive communicator (not admitting it means you are), then this column is for you. Just set it up as your screensaver for a week or two...your partner will read it eventually.

I offer you my 'Top 25 Things Not to Do When Between a Woman's Legs’, in no particular order of offense…
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(Trigger Warning)

So you've met someone – and by 'met', I mean to say that you’ve been dating for a while and/or just had a few drinks with (whatever; I am not here to judge). So let's fast forward to the 'happening' stage. If you're like me, you have a vagina – and like oral sex. Personally, I find it to be an excellent icebreaker and a perfect first-date activity; and no, you may not have my number.

Oral sex often finds its way into foreplay, and that is all well and good. We like a bit of a taste test, kind of like the freebies at the end-of-aisle demos at Costco. It's fascinating what we'll try when proffered, isn't it? "Why yes, I'd love a mouthful of corn dog, served in a tiny paper cup, which I'd never buy or ingest in any other setting, thankyouverymuch." But that's another column entirely.

So where were we? Right. It's go time. Take a deep breath and hope, if you’re the lick-ee rather than the licker, that the person with his or her head between your legs is not guilty of any of the following...

The List

1. The Cow Lick. Not as in bad hair, but rather as in the bovine variety of tongue movement. The Cow Lick is noted for the flattened tongue and the overreaching area it covers. It can start as an almost-rimming and continue as far north as your navel. It tends to be repeated excessively. If you have been Cow Licked, you know it.

2. Mr. Scratchy. A five o'clock shadow is nice, but not when being raked against one's tender bits. No one (except, brief shout out to you BDSM pain sluts out there) likes clitupuncture.

3. Misguided Enthusiasm, or a little thing I like to call Lost and Refusing to Stop for Directions. Dude is going to town, like an ADD sufferer in hyperfocus—only he's not on your clit. His current target is your urethra and all you can think of is your impending UTI.

4. Tongue-Fucking. Just don't do it. If you have our pants off and you can successfully maneuver your way though Phase 1, you will be given the opportunity to fuck us for real. Really.

5. The Howard Hughes, or Unkempt, Too-Long Nails. There is only one reason for a man to have long nails and I can't say it here, but rest assured, we don't want Mr. Can't Find My Nail Clipper down there. (See number 2.)

6. Rimming without Permission. Sure, we've spread our legs for you, but this is not the Golden Corral. It is not an all-you-can-eat buffet PLUS dessert bar. Seriously. Discuss this first.

7. Kissing Us on the Mouth After, Sans Courtesy Wipe. Seen many auto-cunnilingus videos on YouPorn? Some like it, some tolerate it, and a good (from my straw poll) 80% will throw up a little in their mouth. I can't stress this enough—when in doubt, ask.

8. Lick-n-Stick. You know who you are. You are only there because AstroGlide is $13 bucks a bottle. Your saliva doesn't have the staying power. Trust me.

9. Clit Slap and Tug. (See number 6.) Some like it; some don't. But you don't want to be the guy who slaps a clit only to find a print of an acrylic stripper heel in your forehead. You have been warned.

10. Heated or Flavored Lube. Look—we're delicious as is. I liken this to fine dining and asking for catsup with your filet.

11. The Lizard Lick or Snake Tongue. You know this guy. He doesn't like it, and if you Google 'hesitation' his thumbnail will pop up. If you don't like it, don't do it. Save us, and you the visible pain of your discomfort.

12. Gum-Chewing. I don't want to be minty-fresh. If I did, I'd insert an Altoid. Or a Listerine strip.

13. Slurpy Mouth Noise. It's distracting and cuts into our fantasy that you are Brad Pitt/our best friend's husband/your roommate. Can you believe we think such things? Just kidding, as far as you know.

14. Coming Up for Air or Starting a Conversation. If you have not been specifically instructed to stop, do not. Rhythm-breaking is like being sent back to GO in Monopoly. You could have bought Park Place, but you stopped and are now headed for jail. And there’s no Get Out of Jail Free card for this one.

15. Surprises. Don't like them. You have a butt plug in your pocket? Good for you. As long as you plan on using it on yourself and not springing it on me. I am trying to have an orgasm here. Please don't ask me to multitask.

16. 2 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink. I am not completely opposed to it; I just hate the phrasing. And again, ask first.

17. Waking from a Dead Sleep to Find Your Head Between My Legs. If I met you in that aforementioned ‘drinks at a bar’ scenario, I might not remember your name, and 'hey you, stop that!' just sounds so impersonal.

18. No Play by Play. This is not ‘Muff-Day Night Fuckball’. For all of you who enjoy twittering, tweeting and who were born to be sportscasters calling the Final Four, more power to you. Me, I like my oral silent and steadfast.

19. 69. I am getting personal here. I know there are fans aplenty, but I liken it to playing offense and defense at the same time. Pick a side. Seriously, I can not focus on what you are trying to achieve when your cock is halfway down my throat.

20. Thigh Nibbling. Nothing to see here. Move along. Or up.

21. Blowing in It. What is this all about? The queef is one of the most unflattering noises that can be made in the bedroom. Why anyone would want to create a situation where that might occur is beyond me. A small aside on queef etiquette: It didn't happen, you didn't hear it, and it is to be ignored completely and totally.

22. Failure to Respond to the Shoulder Tap. I'll decode the Shoulder Tap for you: Single tap; ease up a bit. Two taps; that is not my clit you're working on. Three taps; we're done here. ‘Yer out!’

23. Biting. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

24. Failure to Pause After Orgasm. You like it when we keep blowing you after you're done? Gets a bit sensitive, n'est-ce-pas? Same here.

25. Mr. Learned All My Moves from XXX Porn. This guy separates your labia with index and middle finger, goes down like he's trying to resuscitate the pussy, then suddenly and without warning begins a series of attacks and flagellations of the clit. He is the worst of the worst and the most likely to incorporate all of the above offenses into his repertoire. Please remember, when watching porn, the stars are paid for a reason. Don’t try it at home. You could get hurt.

Afterword
Having had my say, I must now confess, having tried it myself, that it's not as easy as some make it sound. Having just a couple of failed attempts under my belt, my confidence was shaken. I questioned everything – and I have a vagina. So if you're still out there fighting the good fight, bless you. I'll be content to continue to learn from a 'what not to do' perspective. With my hips on a pillow and a notepad in my hand.

http://www.edenfantasys.com

Boating for Beginners, A Handy-Dandy Guide to Cun********

Friday, February 26 2010 @ 12:51 AM CST