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Thursday, March 28 2024 @ 06:26 AM CDT

Sex and Anger

Spiritual

Do You Enjoy Angry Sex?

Veronica Monet

Most relationships begin with great sex. When we first start dating someone, we find attractive, our bodies release a cocktail of hormones that make heroin look like baby formula. “New Relationship Energy” usually lasts about two years—and feels amazing.

Sooner or later, though, these hormones normalize and we lose that feeling of “being high on love.” Our partner’s faults and obnoxious habits start to annoy us. We don’t know how to have a conversation about it, so we wait until we can’t take it anymore and explode in an angry outburst—or worse, we hold it inside, fuming with frustration under the surface of a forced smile.

Eventually the sex starts to suffer. Maybe in a desperate attempt to revive our lagging libidos, we resort to “anger sex” or “makeup sex.” Both can feel intoxicating in the moment. In fact, using anger to fuel passion is so common it’s entered the lexicon of current culture.

As defined by the Urban Dictionary, “anger sex” is: Getting back at a male or female by having angry sex with them. Although degrading, rough, emotional, and sometimes a tiny bit violent, this is not rape because it is consensual. Lack of foreplay, and dominance are the key points. The bottom line is “beat the pussy up.”

The Urban Dictionary defines “makeup sex” as: Rough and extremely gratifying sex had after an argument… The best way to take your anger out on your significant other.

I don’t have anything against rough sex or dominance. BDSM is one of my favorite pastimes, but what sets BSDM apart from violence is that not only is it consensual, but negotiated. It takes skill and expertise to practice BDSM, but simply directing unresolved anger for a particular person toward that same person’s genitals is violence. And it’s a sad substitute for the hot sex people can enjoy when they learn healthy ways to deal with their underlying anger issues.

Ultimately, directing anger toward your partner during sex will lead to dissatisfaction. When you express anger in this manner, you diminish the level the trust and intimacy. You also run the risk of inflaming your anger further, so the net result is that you feel angrier in the long run—even if you do experience some short-term relief.

Same-Old, Same-Old Blues?

Some so-called “experts” will tell you that when sex loses its edge, it’s a sign your relationship has “matured.” Don’t you believe it! Yes, that potent hormonal cocktail may no longer be clouding your powers of perception, but that doesn’t have to spell the end of hot sex with your partner.

When it comes to amore, it isn’t so much familiarity that “breeds contempt,” but a build-up of unexpressed emotions—especially those emotions we consider “negative.” Unresolved anger is often the cause of low sexual desire in long-term relationships.

Sex and emotions are inextricably linked because humans are not machines. Finding the right button, the magic formula, or some other quick fix may transform the monotonous into the ecstatic, but the improvements are short-lived.

The unattached can also experience sexual boredom in spite of sexual variety. Flitting from one transitory experience to another can be tons of fun, and you may be able to sustain that erotic edge for quite awhile. But in time, even this will begin to wear thin as you find yourself craving “something more.”

In addition, I’ve found that suppressed anger is a huge factor in sexual dysfunction for both men and women. Conditions such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation for men, or the inability to orgasm or female ejaculate for women, are not always due to physical problems. Often, the source of such problems is emotional.

Fighting the Good Fight

Sex should actually be getting better over time. But like any good thing in life, you do have to pay a small price for admission. What is that small price?

You must be willing to learn how to have constructive conflict. If you don’t know the rules of engagement, you will surely create more harm than good, and some part of you knows that. That’s why many of us avoid conflict altogether, but avoiding conflict kills good sex.

So, you have two choices:

1.) Enjoy a mediocre or non-existent sex life in order to avoid conflict, or…
2.) Learn the rules of the road and enjoy a life of passion.

The bottom line: Your anger and your sexual passion travel together. You cannot separate them. Make friends with your anger, and you will experience a rebirth of all your passions!

Please do not assume you can solve your issues simply by acting angry. Acting out anger increases our feelings of being angry, and can lead to dangerous outcomes: such as alienation from relationships we value, destruction of property or even arrest. Suppressing our anger is damaging but so is acting it out.

While most of us have seen only two ways—acting out or holding it in—there is a third way. That path is the path of anger management—and it can literally change your life.

Stop Using Sex as a Weapon

How do we manage our anger instead of controlling it or acting it out? The short answer is that we learn to take responsibility for our feelings; breath into the moment so we can get in touch with the thoughts and feelings behind the anger, and determine what we need in order to resolve those feelings. That might involve changing our thinking, or requesting a change in circumstances from the person with whom we are interacting.

In the context of a sexual liaison—whether for one night or for a lifetime—anger management skills can assist you in staying fully present in your mind, body and spirit, and deepen your connection with your partner(s). This leads to more emotional safety and trust, which naturally and effortlessly arouses our libidos, and can even improve sexual function.

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We looked at how both acting out or suppressing anger can lead to angry sex or no sex at all. Today we delve into anger management. By learning to channel "darker" emotions in a positive way, you can actually boost intimacy and sexual response.

I first noticed the connection between anger and female sexual response while teaching sex coaching workshops. A pattern began to emerge: Women were often focused on controlling their emotions, forcing a smile, and encouraging their partners, instead of being able to track their own sexual pleasure.

This is stereotypical female behavior: catering to the emotional needs of others, while the women experience a partial or complete disconnect with their own needs and desires. The trick is to shift the dynamic between couples in order to free them to get in touch with how they feel—emotionally and erotically.

For instance, one woman I worked with who had not been able to ejaculate for more than six months was anxious to reconnect with this aspect of her sexuality, but she couldn’t figure out what was blocking her sexual response. During role-playing exercises, it became apparent that her male partner had a habit of invalidating her angry feelings, and insisting that she reframe her views in a more positive light.

When it came time for the workshop couples to disrobe and have sex, I suggested that her male partner perform cunnilingus on her, but I asked the two of them NOT to interact with each other via eye contact or verbally. My intention was to block any subtle control the male partner might exercise so as to give the woman full permission to be embodied and authentic.

I spoke to her inner child in comforting tones, and assured her she could feel anything she wanted to feel. I even encouraged her to shout the “No!” she was feeling. She screamed “no” over and over until she could connect with the joy underneath the anger. By the end of the exercise, she ejaculated.

I realized I could be onto something that might apply to other women as well. In the years since then, I have recommended women get in touch with their more taboo thoughts and emotions, as a way to free up and energize orgasmic response. And to greater and lesser degrees, I have seen it work wonders to improve female sexual response. I am convinced that many blocks to sexual pleasure reside in our shame, and that shame is not just about sex—we can also experience shame about our feelings.

As children, we are told we are selfish or bad for expressing certain feelings. We are not. Feelings are normal and we all have a wide range of them. Being honest with ourselves and accepting what we feel is key to creating a nurturing and an accepting relationship with self. Out of this fertile soil can spring the kind of spontaneous and authentic sexual response most of us crave.


Let Anger Management Improve Your Sex Life

Unfortunately, few of us know healthy ways to express our anger. Instead we learn to either control our anger or act it out. Both are dangerous. Controlling your anger can lead to depression, cancer, heart disease and other maladies. Acting out your anger actually compounds rather than relieves anger, to the detriment of both you and the ones you love.

Rather than suppress anger or act out—if you can learn to manage it, you can actually enhance your sex life. But many people find it difficult to believe that techniques devoid of eroticism can lead to better sex. Often this is due to the fact that we tend to see ourselves as a collection of parts rather than as a whole being. In reality, our emotions are tied to our sexuality in ways that can be mystifying.

Why Anger Management?

1. Suppressed anger leads to depression. Depression decreases sexual desire. Anti-depressants can inhibit sexual response. In some cases, anger management can eliminate depression and the need for anti-depressants. (Some depression is caused by chemical imbalances. You should check with your doctor before reducing or discontinuing any medication.)

2. The inability to express anger in a healthy fashion makes it difficult to express other emotions such as sexual joy. Anger management can restore your full expressive range of emotions including sexual joy.

3. Anger Management teaches assertion skills, which in turn, create emotional safety. Emotional safety allows you to experience pleasure more deeply.

4. Some rage is expressed through sexual dysfunction, which can manifest as inability to orgasm or female ejaculate, as well as premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Anger management provides a healthy outlet for anger and rage, providing fuller access to sexual response. (Sexual dysfunction can result from health issues, such as diabetes or smoking so always check with your health care provider to rule these out.)

5. Anger management provides tools for sharing feelings and solving interpersonal difficulties. Shared feelings and agreements with your partner can create increased sexual desire for your partner.

Seven Steps Toward Anger Management

Dealing with emotions is an excellent way to improve sex and since anger is one of the more taboo emotions, I encourage you to develop the tools that will provide you with a healthy connection and expression of your anger. Try it. You may improve your sex life in ways you never imagined. Here's how to get started:

1. Breathe. When you feel anger, breathe into it and notice the physical symptoms such as tightening muscles or a hot feeling in your arms, fists, etc.

2. While you continue to breathe deeply, ask yourself what thoughts are creating the angry feelings.

3. Change your self-talk to something more positive.

4. Experience empathy for yourself and the person(s) you are angry with.

5. If your anger is verging upon rage you may choose to take a time-out.

6. Depending upon what is triggering your anger, you may wish to assert a boundary or ask for what you need in the moment.

7. Take full responsibility for your emotions and the expression of those emotions. Having an uncooperative partner is NEVER justification for acting anger out.

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