HiddenMysteries: Worst Sex Advice Ever

One of my friends sent me an article entitled “Worst Sex Advice Ever.” It was interesting, but not even remotely close to being the WORST ADVICE EVER. Because that advice is right here. Obviously.

The Bloggess

The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For men):

1. When she leans down to pick up her napkin, say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you push your crotch out. Then when she laughs awkwardly, huff and tell her parents—who invited you to dinner—that “their daughter has lost her sense of adventure.”

2. Initiate sex with her when she’s late to take the kids to school, while she’s on the phone with her sick grandmother, or 30 minutes after she falls asleep.

3. During sex, grab your partner’s belly and shake it while making menacing Jabba-the-Hut sounds. Then say you’re just kidding. Girls love a guy with a good sense of humor.

4. Call her by your ex-girlfriend’s name. Often. Then tell her you only do it because neither of you will do that thing he likes. You know…that thing that Samantha did. Then never explain who Samantha is or what she did. A girl likes a man with mystery.

5. When your girl has food poisoning and is throwing up things she ate in 1982, huff loudly and say, “Well, I guess we won’t be having sex tonight!” That way, she’ll know you care. About her vagina.

6. Insult all of her friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you would have a three-way with. That way she knows she’s special and that you have discriminating tastes.

7. Sleep with her sister. That way she’ll know you love her family, too.

8. Sleep soundly (with your genitals exposed, of course) next to the reproduction Conan the Barbarian sword that you bought the day after you told her she was spending too much money on medicine. Call out Samantha’s name in your sleep.

9. When you’re at the doctor getting your junk sewn back on, notice that the doctor is a woman and say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you slowly pass out from the blood loss.

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The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For Women)

1. When he initiates sex, laugh like he’s just made a hilarious joke. Then walk off still giggling. That way, he knows you think he has a good sense of humor.

2. Don’t neglect his ball-sack. A good hand-job should never avoid a thorough and routine check for ball cancer. You should always pretend to find some sort of a lump. That way, he knows you aren’t just phoning it in.

3. Nickname his genitals something adorable: like “Little Weezy” or “Mrs. Potato-Head.” It’s also a good idea to name his balls. I suggest “Larry, Curly and Lumpy.”

4. After sex, immediately jump into the shower and scrub yourself vigorously with steel-wool. Mutter, “Unclean…unclean,” to yourself until you feel fully invigorated. He’ll appreciate your good hygiene.

5. After sex, give him some helpful tips, like: “It really doesn’t have to go on that long,” or “It’s hard to pretend you’re Rebecca when you don’t shave your beard.”

6. Insult all of his friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you’ve already had a three-way with. That way he knows you won’t stray because you’ve already done everyone worth doing.

7. Instead of “sex” say “love-making session.” Over and over and over. Other words he probably enjoys: moist, panties, irregardless, liberry, rectal tear.

8. If he’s uncircumcised, tell him that you think his penis is cute. Like a tiny little tube of lipstick. If he’s circumcised, assure him that you think it’s perfectly fine that he’s missing so much of his penis because you’ve had enough big penises to last a lifetime. Go into detail.

9. Never ever do anything different in bed. If you try a new position, he’ll assume that you learned it on the street.

10. During sex, stop suddenly and say, “You’re thinking about my sister, aren’t you?” Then refuse to talk to him until he apologizes. That way you can have make-up sex. Grudgingly. But then do the same thing during make-up sex. That way you can have make-up make-up sex. Never stop this cycle.

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Worst Sex Advice Ever

Thursday, January 27 2011 @ 09:34 AM CST