Forget the Hearts & Flowers

A Kinkier Guide to Valentine’s Day

by Kal Cobalt

Not everyone is a “roses-n-chocolates” kind of lover. Some of us are even irked by the idea of a greeting-card-industry “holiday.” But that doesn’t have to stop them from making the most of the sexy mood permeating everything from grocery stores to restaurants come February 14. Here are some suggestions for enjoying V-Day for those of us with darker tastes & kinkier vibes (including singles)!

Dinner

Forget the usual “romance” dinners. There is absolutely nothing wrong in making your Valentine's Day dinner a massive spread from your favorite burger joint or the spiciest Thai food you can find. Once you uncouple yourself from the artificial strictures of what Valentine's Day is “supposed” to be, you move on to the serious business of chowing down before coupling up.

If you dig Valentine's sweets, trust me: you can make these as raunchy as you like. Anything with a lingering minty bite, especially Altoids, can be used to jazz up oral sex — just but be sure to talk it over with your partner first, as some people are more sensitive than others to sugars and chemical sensations on their sensitive parts. Chocolates can be dug out of the box with your mouth, bobbing-for-apples style, and passed along to your sweetie mouth-to-mouth. Or take a hint from a hazing ritual used on Rocky Horror Picture Show "virgins” and fill your darling's mouth with whipped cream topped with a cherry. (What you do then is up to you.)

If you're anti-Valentine's right down to the candies, you could always go for something both tasty and sarcastic: make yourself a heart-shaped cake with cherry filling and serve it with a butcher knife stuck in it. If you're lucky enough to live in a community with enough of a counterculture to support some wacky bakeries, they may well have some off-kilter Valentine's fare that will suit your needs. Remember that the goodies don't have to be explicitly labeled as anti-Valentine's to work. My own local wacky bakery — Voodoo Donuts in Portland, Oregon — has plenty of stuff year-round that I'd use for an anti-Valentine's shindig. But what else would you expect from folks who replaced their “The Magic Is In The Hole” slogan with “Good Things Come In Pink Boxes?”

Ambiance

Not a flowers person? Not a problem. While there are a million ways to go that aren't the usual Valentine's decor, you can double down by trying for some twists on the usual while maintaining a distinctly kinky vibe. Think condoms scattered on the bed like rose petals. Try a bouquet of single-serving flavored lube. Arrange your favorite flogger's tails into the shape of a heart (or buy a heart-shaped novelty paddle to leave bright red reminders of the day on your sweetie's behind).

Don't forget the lighting, too — and don't get suckered into making everything pink if that isn't your bag. Maybe romance, to you, is a frilly blindfold while your buddy keeps the lights on at full force to see what ruthlessly sexy things they're doing to you. Or, if you're the type to usually watch one another, kill all the lights for a change of pace.

Music

I don't know about you, but the standard "romantic" love-song fare doesn't get me in the mood. It's tough to find good recommendations for alternative nookie tracks, so here's my humble attempt to fill that hole (ahem).

The Social Network (soundtrack); Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. Though this is far from an obvious pick, I promise it will work perfectly...for some of you. It has a driving beat without being clubby, contains no lyrics, and is an engaging mixture of electronica, piano, and guitar. If you're a geek, this one's probably for you. Pro tip: be sure to listen to the whole thing first and program out tracks that don't suit your mood; there are a couple of outliers that might be jarring in the heat of the moment.

Standby; I Will Never Be The Same. If you like dark, steamy tracks featuring sexy rhythms and sultry male vocals, this one is for you. I particularly recommend it if you feel like you've heard it all in this subgenre; IWNBTS is masterful at creating fresh tracks that sit so perfectly in your collection it seems like they've been there for years. If you like it, you're in luck, too — their second album is coming soon.

Aral; Catherine Lara. Not all sex music has to be dark. Deeply violin-based, this album largely maintains an upbeat tempo throughout excursions verging from jazz to ethnic to electronica, with the occasional vocal thrown in for good measure. The album's world-beat sensibilities and clear mixing make for a pleasing companion to a happy romp in the sheets. This one can be hard to find, so be sure to start looking for it early.

Zen Bound (soundtrack); Ghost Monkey. There's a growing trend of spectacular iPhone game soundtracks, but this one is my personal favorite. The game is based on winding rope around various figures, and the soundtrack beautifully incorporates the sound of twisting, straining ropes into an aural landscape both relaxed and engaging. It's a no-brainer if your sex life includes ropes of any kind, and an excellent choice for meditative sex practitioners or those who could use some help relaxing in the sack.

A Special Note For Singles

Let's get one thing perfectly clear: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single on Valentine's Day, and there's no reason to treat it as something you can't participate in without a partner. Serve yourself a romantic dinner (whatever “romantic” means to you), enjoy a scrumptious dessert, and give yourself a sexy present. Whether your flavor is romance novels, hardcore porn, a fancy new toy, or just a “night off” in the tub with a good book, honoring yourself should be at least as important as it would be if you were planning a night with someone else.

While Valentine's Day may seem insipid or contrived to many of us, there's nothing wrong with a day reminding us to celebrate our love lives, whether we share that with others or are currently in a satisfying relationship with ourselves. Don't let the frills and hearts get in the way of the fireworks!

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