HiddenMysteries: Sex With a Strap On: The Anal Politics of Penetration or Anally Yours

(don't say you don't! -- don't say you won't! You wake up and take it that way every day in the USA!)

In Praise of Anal Sex

What gender dynamics and stereotypes are exposed and undercut in sexual role reversal?

By Anna Pulley

“I think you’re the one,” he said. We were taking a break from a marathon fuck fest, sweaty, spent, and lying on our sides when he said those words to me, words that I’d been told every girl wanted to hear at some point in their lives. Except, of course, Seth wasn’t my boyfriend, and he wasn’t professing his undying love for me. He was my friend with benefits, and he was trying to convince me to don a strap-on and do him in the ass. After he told me I was “the one,” it wasn’t just my ego I wanted him to stroke. What are friends for, I thought, if not to tell you when you have spinach in your teeth and to give you an occasional reach around?

I had been trying to get Seth to let me do him in the butt for years, way before we started sleeping together. He was, in fact, dating a girl I was in love with when we first met in Tucson. They came down from Phoenix for a party I was having, and after a jug of Carlo Rossi wine, I pulled out my box of sex toys (like ya do), including a garishly pink rubber dildo and thong harness that I bought on the clearance rack at Fascinations. The first time I tried it on I felt like I was on American Gladiators. All I needed was to draw some stars on my ass and I’d be ready to joust. Aside from its hideous color, which I assumed was to make it seem less threatening, less male, and therefore more acceptable to impale somebody with, it was very versatile. This particular strap-on came with a vibrator, a vibrator pocket that nestled right up next to my clit, a hooked nose for g-spot stimulation, and a nob right about where a partner’s clit should be. It was like a one-man band, or a really thoughtful rhinoceros. In my extreme inebriation, I thought it neither tactless nor gross to lend my friends the strap-on I fucked my girlfriend with on a semi-regular basis in order to take Seth’s anal virginity. The look on his face told me immediately that that was not going to happen, and I tried to seem less disappointed than I actually was.

Years later, Seth and I reconnected in San Francisco, and after a fairly traumatic break up with my girlfriend of two-and-a-half years who decided she wanted to be straight, he and I ended up in bed together (like ya do). After a long and varied sex session that lasted several hours, he popped the strap-on question. “I’ve had other girls try it, with limited success,” he said. “But you, I think you’re the one.”

I've often questioned the role of role playing in sex. How we are socially and behaviorally predisposed to certain inclinations, sexual or otherwise. How much did my status as a bottom -- my desire to be dominated in bed -- inhibit my use of strap-ons in erotic play, especially when submission, for me, was the ultimate erotic transgression? Women are socialized not to act, but to react, and this passivity and reticence in everyday occurrences often translates into the bedroom as well.

Think of the aggression gay men often display when seeking a sexual conquest and how women on all sides of the sexual spectrum tend to have a less aggressive approach to sex outside of love and commitment. Witness the polarities between Women Seeking Women and Men Seeking Men ads on Craigslist sometime, if you don’t believe me. Another example of this can be found in Lillian Faderman’s “Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers” where a lesbian sex-radical in the 80s advertised, “bare bottom spankings, immobilizing bondage, enemas, colonic irrigations, vaginal and rectal exams, dildos and vibrators” then ended with “and after I’ve endured what was bestowed upon me, comfort me in your loving arms. Long term relationship possible.”

Weirdly, I never felt truly confident strapping it on until I started using them on dudes. It always seemed kind of silly—a femme with a dick. I certainly never felt like a dude when I strapped, more like a wayward unicorn. A hot one though. An empowered unicorn. I associated power with masculinity, but I never felt masculine. I asked Seth if riding the brown caboose made him feel like he was giving something up. He said, “I don’t feel powerless. In my mind, whoever’s getting off the hardest is the one who’s most empowered, ultimately.”

Taking a man dirt-roading for a change isn’t just a fuck, but a mind fuck, and a powerful one at that. As one of my friends put it, “Topping someone much bigger than you as a woman is amazing. I may never beat you in arm wrestling, but I can fuck you in the ass. Can you imagine a 6'5" man with those legs up in the air? Beeeauuuuutiful.”

Seth owned his own dildo and strap-on, which was not only convenient, but a testament to his dedication to the craft. As soon as he brought it out, I became suddenly nervous. In all my years of fucking women with strap-ons, I’d had many flubs, faux pas, and episodes of even hurling dildos across rooms out of frustration. Also, even though I’m happy to take the reins in the sack whenever necessary, in my heart of hearts, I like to be taken, not the other way around. But Seth’s longing and experience as a receiver put me at ease, (it also didn’t hurt that I was several vodka gimlets deep at that point) and as I stepped into the harness and tightened the straps, the familiarity and breathlessness came rushing back. I lubed up the modestly-sized dildo as he readied himself on his back, knees hugging his chest to make room for me. The first shock of contact, of connection, is always exhilarating, and when it happened, I felt him stiffen slightly, then push back into me, emitting a soft, wordless sound. I went slowly at first, listening for his exhalations and murmurs of “That feels so good.” There’s nothing sexier than that first audible or physical release of inhibition, and I felt myself flush at the sound of his voice, the giving and the taking that was happening all at once. I angled slightly up toward him, held onto his outer thighs to steady myself, and in that small gesture, I heard his breath quicken, which in turn made my movements quicken as well. In that moment, he looked up at me, appreciative, contemplative maybe, and pushed the hair out of my face, which had swiftly become dampened with sweat.

I tried to keep my focus on his words, his movements, but I was also too turned on to really pay much attention. I felt both amazed and overwhelmed at this steamy subversiveness, something that rarely existed in my normal, day-to-day life.

None of the men I fucked ever felt ashamed or weird about it afterward. Indeed, they seemed to relish the opportunity to explore. It’s not very often, after all, that men are allowed to be sexually vulnerable. Admissions to even having such a desire often lead to the tiresome stereotype of closeted gayness. I asked Seth over beers recently if anyone ever assumed he was gay or bi because he liked strap-on sex. “I’m sure they do,” he said. “But I don’t talk about it publicly that often…just to reporters, and the entire Internet.”

http://www.alternet.org/

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In Praise of Anal Sex

50 women share the joy of anal sex:

1. Gets Me Off

I enjoy anal sex to a large degree. The first time I did it was to please my boyfriend but I ended up enjoying it myself. I personally like to be held face down and have it forced on me. It’s very erotic and I really get off on it. - Debby, US

2. Wish I’d Known Sooner

I just had anal sex and it was the greatest feeling in my life. Yes, at first it hurt a little. However, it was well worth it. If I would have known it felt like that I would have done it years ago. - Anonymous, Vancouver, BC

3. Happy Bunny

Anal, I love it. It has to be my favorite sex act. We usually do it 3-4 times weekly. My preference is to finger my cunt a little and let my cum trickle down between my ass crack, and then I’m ready for some deep ass pounding. As long as it’s deep and hard, I’m a happy bunny!

4. Loving Bond

My husband and I have been having anal sex for about 15 years now. We both like this kinky exercise. We have the strongest orgasms then. Our naughty sex practices are a firm bond to our relationship. - BB, UK

5. I’d Never Do Without Anal

Anal sex is a regular part of our sex life and I would never do without it. My preference is anal sex with me in the doggy position. No matter how he's stretched me with his fingers there's still some resistance and I admit to loving it. Once his head is in he pauses and gives me time to adjust. The feeling is exquisite and I have to keep my hand off my clit because I could cum right then. It's all so damn wicked and I love giving myself to him this way. I love the times he gets balls deep and slams away while I play with my clit, teasing myself, almost cumming. When I have to cum I let him know and tell him to cum up my ass. I rub my clit wildly while he slides in and out and explodes magnificently. I love anal sex! – Karen, US

6. Best Feeling Ever

One night while he was licking my ass he asked if he could fuck it, so I said yes. He literally ran to the bathroom and grabbed the lube. After a few minutes of massaging my asshole he lubed up and slowly pushed it inside and it was one of the best sexual feelings I’ve ever experienced. I could tell he liked it even though he won't admit it, and when we do have anal sex now he makes it seem like it's just for me but he is never as hard as he is when we have anal sex and he never makes the noises he makes with anal any other time either. We both secretly know that he loves it whether he'll admit it or not. – Anonymous, US

7. Mind-blowing First Time

LUBE LUBE LUBE!!! The size of my guy’s cock frightened me when we first thought about anal. But with plenty of lube, and patience, and it was a mind-blowing first time. Just relax and he will slide right in. Like they say, too much lube is almost enough. Just remember to relax, and again I stress the lube! - Anonymous, Michigan

8. Better Than Vaginal

Six months ago I finally got around to trying anal sex. Fantastic! The best sex in my life. My husband was not patient, but I took it all the way in. I love the feeling of him cumming in my ass - it turns me on...better than vaginal. – Mimi, Dominican Republic

9. Anal Fantasies

I LOVE anal sex. It's better than vaginal once you get used to it. It gives the best orgasms ever, and guys...if you're patient, go slowly and get her really worked up first, she'll end up asking you for it. My husband and I have been having anal sex for nearly 7 years now, and I find myself having fantasies about getting fucked anally because I love it so much now. Just take your time, and she'll reward you! - Anonymous, WA

10. Harder Is Better

Use a lot of lube. Start on your side, then when it is feeling really good, start doing it in doggy style - it increases the pleasure. And the harder he pounds it the better it feels (harder is always better). It only hurts for a minute, then the pleasure is overwhelming. – Angela, Detroit

11. My Special Treat

I am in a recent committed relationship with a man (much older than myself) who has taken me to new heights of sexual pleasure I could only have imagined! He has been so caring and careful in venturing into anal sex that I have literally become addicted to him fucking my ass! It is my special treat and now he often waits for me to beg for it...which I usually do, because it just drives me wild. I never in a million years thought I would enjoy getting fucked in the ass so much! - Anonymous, MD

12. I Look Forward to It

Definitely get a butt plug - they are great for getting your asshole ready for his cock. Lube up your hole and the butt plug and either insert it yourself at your own pace or have him do it with your guidance. I used to hate anal sex before we got a butt plug. Now I look forward to it and actually ASK my husband if he wants to do me in the ass. He has never refused! A few times, we have also used a dildo up my pussy while he did my butt - and THAT is one hell of a full and sexy feeling! Try it! - Jenny, Chicago

13. Fantastic Orgasms

When I first had anal sex it hurt a lot and I cried a little, but it never stopped me from trying it again and I am glad that I didn’t stop. I have had the most fantastic orgasms in my life though my ass, but I have had to teach my husband to be gentle at first because the shock is too much. But after a few minutes he can be as hard and rough as he likes and I love it. - Moyia, England

14. I Ask Him for Anal

I never liked the idea of anal before, but my husband always says he loves my ass and is so turned on by it. I let him tongue my anus all the time, but finally I gave in and let him do my ass. We used lots of KY and he started off with fingers, then a butt plug he bought. I have to say that once his cock was in my ass, I loved it. I told him to slap my ass and play with my clit and holy jeez - I had the best orgasm ever. Now I ask HIM when he wants to do me in the ass again, and he always says, "How about now?!" So we do it once or twice a week. - Anonymous, Illinois

15. Want to Try It Again

I tried anal sex last night. It was the first time, and we used a lot of lube. It was very uncomfortable at first, but then it got really fun. I am excited to feel what the second time is like. - Jennifer, US

16. Dirty and Fun

I absolutely love anal sex. Yes, it does seem a little dirty and that makes it even more fun. I am blessed with a husband who is rather large so I have to take some extra precautions for myself. There are numbing agents out there that work great, like Anal EZ with a little benzocaine in it. It even prolongs him sometimes. One time in total desperation we used our normal lube and some 20% strength Oragel. Worked wonders! - Mia, TN

17. Ready to Enjoy

I love having anal sex with my boyfriend and I love when he goes inside me bareback. I always take at least two enemas prior to anal sex, and I feel very clean inside. Actually getting the enema is part of our foreplay and we both get very aroused when doing it. Then when he comes to enter me, I‘m relaxed and ready to enjoy anal sex. - Donna, Canada

18. You’ll Love the Feeling

If I'm really turned on, I will let my husband slip a finger in my ass and this really gets me going. He will then use a small vibrator just inside the anal opening. Once you feel relaxed, use lots of your favorite lube, be sure your guy is rock hard and you’re ready for his cock to penetrate you. If you take it slow and easy, you will love the way anal sex feels. - Anonymous, CA

19. She’ll Thank You

I started having anal sex with an ex-boyfriend when I was 16 and have never looked back since. Lube is essential and so is the position. I like it doggy style with a very pronounced arch in my back, but spooning is also cool. Take it easy, start slow and she'll thank you for it. She might even let you try DP. - Faith, Canada

20. Best Sex Ever

My first time was with a guy I had been fooling around with for a few months and we wanted to try something new. One day while I was taking a shower he came in and we started to have sex in the shower, a few minutes into it he stopped and started to put it into my ass. He knew it was my first time so he was really gentle and took his time putting it in. The water from the shower and his patience made it the best sex I have had. - Emerald, CA

21. Start Slow

The first time my husband and I tried anal was about 2 years ago, and I told him it was just too painful for me. This time he used petroleum jelly, and let me tell you that does wonders as lube. It still hurts at first, but after a few thrusts, man, it feels amazing. It’s about starting out slow and working your way up. - Anonymous, Florida

22. Just Do It

I was the girl who told herself she would never attempt anything like anal sex. You would not know that now. I was scared at first to have anal but once I tried it I was hooked. It’s all I want now! It’s the best way to have a Kitchen Quickie and my fiancé has no complaints either. To any woman who is a little scared but deep down would like to try it, do it. - J., Canada

23. Two-fer

I just tried anal sex and loved it – it’s not as painful as I thought. First you must be very relaxed. I didn’t use KY because this was not planned, so I told my man to use a lot of spit and ease his head in slow, then I backed my booty up. It felt so good we did it twice in one night. - Ebony, New Jersey

24. Natural Juices

For me, liking anal sex was a matter of deciding for myself. Personally, I got tired of someone else having all the fun. Really great sex that gets me real wet is the best way to start. After that my own juices are exactly the lube I need to have really great anal sex. – Anonymous, OR

25. Heavenly, Erotic, Intimate

I very much enjoy anal sex, and have for years. However, my first experience was like many women; unprepared, no lube and no patience, and it's amazing that I was ever willing to try again. But with a man who was clearly going to be tuned to my sensations and stop if there was any pain, and willing to play with me with foreplay, it has become heavenly. It's an incredibly erotic and intimate experience! Enjoy. – Dee, CT

26. Weird but Good

My first experience was SO weird, but it actually felt very, very good. I had the best orgasm that I have ever had in my life! Don’t be afraid to try it. Use lots of lube and enjoy it. – Danielle, US

27. It’s all I Crave

The first time I had anal sex I was a little intimidated. The guy was much more experienced and drop dead gorgeous. He was gentle at first. I encouraged him to fuck me harder. The harder he fucked my ass the more I enjoyed it. Now it seems like all I crave is to be eaten out then have my ass fucked. - Sylvia, New England

28. More Than 50% Anal

We usually start in a 69 position. While his tongue works my clit, he lubes my ass and uses a vibrator in my ass to warm me up, then I turn around and get on top of him. The best way for us is for me to lean back, supporting myself with my arms and having my knees up. This way, he can see his penis penetrating my ass, see my pussy and stimulate my clit with a vibrator. Anal sex makes up more than 50% of our sex life. I've always loved it, right from the very first time, and my husband, as with all men, loves it too. - Chantal, Canada

29. Close Connection

The first minute usually hurts like hell, but once I pass the minute mark--I'm all in. I just can't stand if he goes too deep ‘cause it HURTS! Otherwise I love it. I think it’s more of a turn-on than vaginal sex. I feel a lot closer to him. – Anonymous, CA

30. Total Control

I had my first sexual experience through anal sex, and I had the greatest orgasm of my life. Something about my man being totally in control just got me off. The first time you have anal sex it hurts like heck, but just like sex, the more you do it, the easier it gets. – Rachel, US

31. Don’t Miss Out!

At first it hurt tremendously but my partner was very gentle and patient. This was so incredibly good. I liked it so much and still do. Now with my boyfriend, we do anal once in a while and it hurts only on insertion, but he uses lots and lots of lube and he is very gentle. To me this is really great sex and once he's in my ass the feeling is so great. I just move my ass rhythmically to his thrusts until we both cum. My advice to you ladies: please don't be afraid to try anal sex because you are missing out on something great. - Anonymous, US

32. All I Need

I have the most intense orgasms you can imagine, even better than vaginal. I don't care if he ever fucks my pussy ever again. –Jane, TN

33. Eternal Thanks

My current boyfriend was constantly messing with my asshole, and I loved it. When he first started to penetrate me (using KY liquid), it was painful, but once he got a couple of inches inside, my muscles relaxed and IT WAS GREAT. My advice to first-timers: Bear with the pain - it only lasts about 30 seconds. Relax - it is a great sensation. Guide your partner - let him know if he is going too fast or too slow. Practice - it only gets better. Because so few women are willing to try or are unable to make it through the penetration, your partner will appreciate you forever! Trust me - M., SC

34. Practice Makes Perfect

I had anal sex for the first time last week, and we didn’t even use lube. The reason it worked so well was because I had lots of practice time by myself for months. I loved it and I was asking for it days later. He also came in me from behind and I loved the feeling. – Anonymous, CA

35. Highly Erotic

Last night was actually the first time I had successful anal sex -- and I had it twice. The "key" for me was lots and lots of practice alone beforehand. I recommend fooling around, fucking, fucking with your finger in your ass, then fucking with his finger in your ass before you try to let his cock in there. During the "transition time" when he's lubing up and getting ready, don't stop stimulating yourself, be that playing with your nipples or rubbing your clit or fucking yourself with a vibrator -- or all of the above. Take it slow, breathe deeply, take as many pauses as you need to. If you can't handle the thrusting, try masturbating and cumming while his cock is in your ass. The contractions will feel good for him and you will get more used to the whole idea and more willing to accept it as something highly, highly erotic. Mmm...I can't wait to do it again! - Jane, Kansas

36. The Deeper the Better

I enjoy it deep, very deep, with his balls banging against me. I cum and cum and cum! Enjoy anal - it’s the best! – Anonymous, UK

37. Nothing Like a Good Reaming

I love anal sex. I mean - I Love Anal Sex - there is nothing in the world like a cock reaming your asshole. An old boyfriend of mine would lick my asshole for an hour. God, that made me cum so hard, then he would lube my hole and his cock with K-Y Jelly and slowly insert it into my ass. Once fully in, he would start banging away and grabbing and pulling on my breasts like I like them to be treated. – Christine, OH

38. Slow and Steady

My husband and I do anal every month (at least) and we both really enjoy the act. Usually I lay on my side and we have a mirror positioned so we both can watch the proceedings. Once he has popped his knob in we pause (and gaze at the mirror). Once he is fully in he waits for me to cum before he shoots his load deep in my ass. The intimacy of these escapades make us closer and I love the full feeling it brings me. Slow and steady wins the race. – Tania, Canberra

39. Total Trust

We have never used any form of lubrication other than natural. We talk about everything and even start foreplay just through talking so we are both very wet when it is time for penetration. I have never trusted a man as I trust him, which allows me to completely relax with him. Anal orgasms are intense beyond belief. – Anonymous, IA

40. New and Wonderful

My man was constantly talking about anal sex but I thought of that as an exit only area. After a couple glasses of wine one night, he touched me there and it felt good so I let him go further. Since I naturally over-lubricate, he put the head in slow and it did not feel wrong. I orgasmed the very first time we had anal sex. I definitely recommend this to any couple who like to experiment and are open to new and wonderful things. - Kat, MI

41. Take the Plunge

I decided to try it when our sex life was getting a little too predictable. It took several times with just a small amount of penetration before we could finally go fully in the ass. It was incredible. I never would have dreamed it would have been so powerful. I am glad I kept reading about it and finally took the plunge. It is now a part of our sex life. – Brooke, GA

42. Twice the Fun

I am a female who LOVES anal sex. I enjoy anal sex so much that now I sit on my husband backwards with his dick in either my ass or pussy and a dildo in whatever hole he's not in. It’s HOT and my husband and I love it....just take it slow, you will love it too! – Marie, AZ

43. Wet at the Thought

I absolutely love anal sex. I've met only a few guys who like it and want to try it. I would recommend lube, but I never really used it because I get wet at just of the thought of anal, so I lube myself, but I relax my muscles as well. Just give it a try, you'll enjoy it. - Crystal, LA

44. Get Inspired

I can't handle the pleasure. His tool is lubricated from my vaginal juices and he spends time pushing it in; at this moment I am usually crying in ecstasy (forget the drug this is real fun). I get very demanding and tell him to put it in all the way, but no thrusting. I just love it up there. I hope you ladies are inspired. – Kay, NY

45. We Know You Love It

Let him know how you like it and most men will be happy to do whatever you want to get some anal. YOU’RE GONNA LOVE IT. Just lose all inhibitions and let go. It’s different, but wasn’t vaginal sex at first? It wasn’t comfortable at all, you had to develop a feel for it. Same goes here. ENJOY! (You men enjoy, too! We know you love it!) - Anonymous, TN

46. I Like a Reach Around

I personally enjoy getting rammed up my ass real hard and fast (with lots of lube of course), but this is not for everyone. I like to be spontaneously taken from behind, like maybe when I’m doing the dishes he comes over and yanks my shorts down and does me. Also, a reach around doesn't hurt along with being held really close and tight while he's inside my ass.

47. Enter Here

It is indeed a wonderful sensation once you get past the thought of it being an exit only. Use plenty of lubrication and be sure you are in control of the situation. Yes, it is uncomfortable at first and it may take a few times to get to that point, but you will enjoy the sensation you receive from the stimulation. - Anonymous, CT

48. Fill ‘Er Up

I love anal sex! Now I want it more that he does. I love having his cock in my ass and a dildo in my pussy. I start with the dildo on low and before we cum I turn it on high. I feel so full. And the orgasm is soooo intense. Try it, you will like it! – Lauren, CT

49. Words Cannot Describe It

What a sensation. I have no words for it. I felt my asshole being stretched and his hot cock inside me made me orgasm instantly. I enjoyed it extremely and now we do it often. Let me tell you - a cock in your ass makes you feel close to your man. - Kamla, Mauritius

50. He Made Me Love It

I tried anal with my ex and hated it. My new guy makes me love it. I can't get enough. he uses lots of lube and inserts slowly letting me direct him to when I am "ready for more". I have multiple orgasms every time. I highly suggest you try it. - Anonymous, FL

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http://www.hiddenmysteries.net/gltest/article.php?story=20100322090802736

Sex With a Strap On: The Anal Politics of Penetration or Anally Yours

Friday, February 11 2011 @ 07:49 PM CST