It Must Be News: It’s a News Network, Right?

by Kathleen Wallace Peine

I’ve pretty much taken all of the precautions that I can after watching the 24/7 coverage from my cable news network. I always try to remain vigilant in regard to the threats we face every single day as Americans. I willingly give my constant attention to the images and try to keep up with the fact filled ticker parading across the bottom of my screen. Because of them, I was ready in 2001 with the duct tape; I watched with interest when the terror color went from ecru to taupe right before elections. I made the necessary changes to my life, which included keeping an eye out on my sketchy (exotic) neighbors.

I’m doing what I can. I’ve also updated the Antivirus protection that is on my computer. From what I understand these companies keep up to date by the hour for new online threats. That’s what you pay for right? Well I opted for the full scan.

This is what I found:

Results: 3 Threats Detected
Hijacking you:
umm okay, sounds safe

Computer Malware Fiesta:
eh, probably safe-no don’t delete.

Anthony Weiner-Odalisque 4 U:
Oh holy hell! It’s here. Quarantine! Quarantine!

I really thought that I was safe. I’m 41 years old, well past the high risk 18-25 year old target group for this latest menace. Everyone, and I mean everyone, needs to perform a computer scan immediately. And then tape up all your extra usb ports, then perhaps stuff them full of gum. Be safe.

Since I’m outside of the high risk group, but still found that threat, I’m wondering if the youngsters are at risk as well…. That may be the next shoe-strike that- the next Hello Kitty flip flop to drop in this constantly evolving scourge.

Some have told me that I’m overreacting. That this really isn’t the “Big One”. They say to wake them up when a congressman is with a hooker in a diaper again. But you can’t drop the vigilance. My computer scan proves that.

And some say that it’s a sad, surreal state of affairs when 24 hour news coverage has “Breaking News” coverage in regard to a rather dorky looking man sending out pathetic nudie photos of himself. They say he needs a check up from the neck up, but nothing else.

And some might say it’s more newsworthy that Anthony Weiner is considered “one of the most liberal Congressmen”, but still managed to vote us into Iraq in 2002. He recently put a new rubber stamp on The Patriot Act as well. He voted “nay” in a resolution to remove the US from Libya. And this is what is considered liberal in this nation. I don’t really care about those details, though.

In this new age, it’s fitting that news organizations don’t waste money on things like real reporters on the ground much anymore. It’s more logical to enlist the aid of experts, usually just two, who have almost the same opinion. That keeps our confusion down. Or if their opinions do differ, neither is threatening to those in power. That also protects us from ourselves. The use of these individuals to explain Congressman Weiner’s affliction will only enhance the nation’s ability to tackle the truly difficult problems that we face on the cusp of a greater depression. The virtual experts with opinions on virtual nasty photos — working to explain this in a manner that I can understand the 24/7 news is working to understand this in a manner that I can understand.

This was solace in a confusing week. A week that indicated that the United States is expanding bombing in Yemen-essentially a 4th theater of “conflict”. It isn’t war because Obama clarified this. It’s a sophomoric interpretation that leads one to think bombing is part and parcel of war. We are not at war with Libya, just bombing the shit out of them.

In a related issue, a recent reevaluation of cybersecurity indicated that the Pentagon wants to make it clear that hacking into US interests will be treated as an act of war.

It’s a convoluted and confusing world when bombing is not war, but computer hacking is. Thank god for the 24/7 experts who can help us maneuver this new landscape. I don’t think it’s much of a leap to understand the connection of hacking to simple nasty email photo sharing. One probably leads to the other, like a gateway drug.

Without their firm and steady presence on my television I would never have been able to put together this coherent theory in regard to the Anthony Weiner threat.

In summary, Anthony Weiner is a terrorist and we must be at war with him.

Thank you.

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