The Soft-Sell Side of John McCain's B.S.

THE FIFTH COLUMNIST by P.M. Carpenter

Sometimes there's just no better way to describe bullshit, such as the species of oratorical bowel movement that John McCain heaved last night, than by calling it what it is, and that would be, bullshit -- and in McCain's case, exceptionally stunning, vastly insulting bullshit, and, because of its setting, even historic bullshit.


South Carolina senator and McCain-sidekick Lindsey Graham, in a previewing memo to Republican colleagues yesterday, described the coming bullshit as a partisan call to arms: "Wake up! We're a party in retreat. We need to regroup, change the way we are doing business."

By that, Sen. Graham only meant, of course, crank up the bullshit. And as I listened to Sen. McCain last night, it kept occurring to me that the business model that mad-booster Graham most assuredly had in mind was none other than that of Sears past.

No, really, this is relevant. Bear with me.

Several years ago the retail giant fell into real financial trouble, chiefly because it had invested many preceding years into honing its off-putting reputation for an unfailingly rude indifference to customers. Sears had been the biggest, baddest-ass kid on the commercial block for so long, it had long since stopped caring about the folks it was supposed to be serving.

Unsurprisingly this behavior eventually began cutting into Sears' bottom line. So the firm launched an advertising/public relations campaign promoting what it called its "softer side." Yes, suddenly, it cared. It cared deeply. Oh, did it care.

But naturally, coincident to this campaign the company didn't bother to actually ratchet down any of its infamous indifference to customers. That would have required real and quite costly effort; an authentic, fundamental shift in the way Sears thought and did business.

The p.r. campaign alone, however, managed to fool just enough formerly abused but forgiving souls into giving Sears a second, third, or tenth chance.

Obvious object lesson: The company (mis)managed to hold on a while longer by changing absolutely nothing but its cheap bullshit.

More obvious object lesson: The masses buy cheap bullshit.

Now, it goes without saying that compared to the GOP, Sears was more piker than pioneer. But only in rube-seeking numbers. Its spirit -- its revamped business model -- was identical to what we're re-witnessing today. Or more properly, for those of us who had the stomach for it, what we witnessed last night.

"Let me offer an advance warning to the old, big-spending, do-nothing, me-first, country-second Washington crowd," brayed McCain to his old, big-spending, do-nothing, me-first, country-second partisan crowd. "Change is coming."

They know better, because they're stockholders. Still, they're hoping nearly as much as McCain that that old black marketing magic of poll-tested, focus-grouped, unmitigated bullshit can deceive just enough formerly abused but forgiving souls at least one more time.

It also goes without saying that there is no discernible difference between the John McCain of today and the John "90-percent-Bush" McCain of yesterday, so I won't waste space itemizing the endless non-differences. That his speech changed none of that is just as obvious as the obvious merits of cheap bullshit for the masses.

But in fact, the very tone and content of his "change"-drenched speech actually reinforced the reality of political business as usual. Which is to say, Wednesday night we got rhetorically rubber-hosed by the culturally radical Sarah Palin. And last night John McCain served us cupcakes.

And that's about as conventional as a presidential campaign can get -- the old top-of-the-ticket good cop, second-slot bad cop routine.

I expected more from a maverick.

Still, as consumers über alles, we love the rollout and promise of a new product. There's nothing quite like the anticipatory thrill of believing that this or that new gimmicky gadget will make all the difference in our unsatisfied lives, even if we suspect it's very much like the old one. We're simply eager to buy. More. It's what we do.

But I won't yet pronounce condemnation on our bullshit-consuming democracy. No, I'll be open-minded. I'll be hopeful. I'll reserve judgment -- until the sales figures come in early next week. Then I'll pronounce condemnation on our bullshit-consuming democracy.

Nevertheless, despite the almost inevitable convention bounce, I do remain hopeful for the longer and more important term. I just don't think the bullshit will work this time, not by November.

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