Not in My Lifetime

By John S. Hatch

Sarah Palin is quite certain that Jesus will return to Earth during her lifetime. She considers this good news, as folks like her will be Raptured (naked, by the way) into heaven while the rest of us (including any Jews who don’t convert) will face the Tribulation—seriously crappy times, by any definition. Even worse than right now (I know!). Plus, we’ll be left (potentially) without an American VP. We won’t even have Sarah to kick around anymore. Crap!
But what if He’s already here? Would we know? Might He be spotted buying a new crown of thorns at Wal-Mart (a cheap Middle-Eastern import of course, made by eight-year olds)? Or grabbing a burger (‘Want that Supersized, Big Guy?’) After all, even Sons of God have to eat, if They can afford to. Signs that He could be back already? Well, not since He reputedly walked on water have the laws of physics temporarily been suspended, as they apparently were again on 9/11. You don’t think...? Well, who knows what to think? It’s twilight time. Up is down.

Then again, I’m sure Sarah knows that Jesus isn’t some white, English speaking Alaskan dude. Doesn’t she? Tell me Jesus doesn’t shoot moose, at least from helicopters!

So if He were (forgive me) foolish enough, after his past famous alleged reception, to actually want to (prematurely) return to this godforsaken world, wouldn’t he look (and sound) more, well, Palestinian? Well, talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time! Again! And, perhaps knowing the torturous and murderous fate of so many Palestinians at the hands of genocidal Zionists, were He to slip for safety into Afghanistan or Iraq by mistake, it would be a biggest-time case of wrong time and place all over again. Strike three. You’re out, Lord.

So if Jesus jumped the gun (so to speak) on Sarah and is already back among us, there’s a statistically sound, at least get-hit-by-lightening chance that he’s at Bagram or the Baghdad airport, or on a ship of which the military denies existence. Or He’s been outsourced to Egypt or Saudi Arabia or Syria. Or who knows? Maybe He’s in an oubliette on American soil after all, a suspected (but not charged) non-Jesus oil-less Arab of the worst kind. After all, they’ve grabbed taxi-drivers, teachers, lawyers, clerics, doctors, lawyers, farmers, even children as young as eight, and tortured them if they couldn’t prove a negative, or even if they could. Usually they torture first. And last. Wrong is right.

Maybe Jesus has been smeared in dog or human excrement, had most of his teeth knocked out, has been chained to the ceiling for days, has had a broomstick thrust up His rectum, has been denied food and water for prolonged periods, has finally been fed, but a vile substance containing ratshit, has been given poisoned water to drink. Perhaps He’s been electrocuted, then doused with cold water after being sleep-deprived for days. Perhaps doctors and psychologists assisted in His torments, and others considered it pure fun, including those holding the highest offices in the United States. Welcome back, Jesus. We missed you so much!

And why? There’s no why anymore. Is took over. It’s simply the American way.

It’s the Bush/Cheney way.

It’s the McCain/Palin way.

It’s the Obama/Biden way.

Would that it were different.

‘Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.’

Who said that?

We forgot. Maybe Sarah will get back to us.




John S. Hatch is a Vancouver writer & film-maker

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