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Tuesday, September 22 2020 @ 03:35 PM CDT

Minuteman Leader Schris Simcox's Potential Twitter Followers Replaced by Mexicans

Whited Sepulchers

by General JC Christian

An open letter from a true patriot.

Editor's note: it's satire, folks!

Chris Simcox

Candidate for US Senate

Dear Mr. Simcox,

I've been following your career as a Minuteman leader since the beginning. It's been a glorious career thus far--you'll certainly go down as one of the greatest commanders in the Eternal War to Resubjugate the Brown (Southwest Theater). But with your entry as the teabagger candidate in Arizona's GOP senate primary, I have no doubt your best work is yet to come.

Your campaign has been a joy to watch. Your gutsy, non-traditional campaigning style is something I hope all teabagger-Americans will study and try to emulate. It's a winning strategy for sure.

I'm particularly impressed with your use of social media. Most candidates use Twitter to enlist their supporters to help them grow their base. You've inverted that. Rather than asking your supporters to join twitter to help spread the word, you signed up for a service that promises to get you "tons of followers" who care nothing about your politics, and who are probably not even eligible to vote in Arizona. And by God it worked. You're up to a 244 followers now.

Of course there will be those who are skeptical of such a bold new approach. They'll say it's crazy or call it "batshit insane." They'll argue that "it makes you look desperate and incapable of drawing any support for your candidacy." But what they don't understand is that you have to do it that way. You have no other choice because Mexicans are taking all the follower slots from real, patriotic teabagger-Americans. I think Lou Dobbs has even done a show on it.

I also see you're taking the next step and asking all those new followers to donate to your campaign. That's another gutsy move, but one that is unlikely to yield many contributions. You see, they have no freaking idea who you are. They only followed you because you promised to follow them back. You're not going to see a dime from them.

I have a better fundraising idea.

I recently received an email from a Mr. Nicholas Adams who is the son of a cocoa merchant in the Ivory Coast. His father recently died, leaving him $7.5 million, but unfortunately, he's having problems accessing it. He's willing to pay an American partner 15% to help him get it. All he needs is your bank info and a few hundred thousand dollars to facilitate the transfer. I'm thinking you might have that kind of cash on hand from your fence building project. I mean you collected millions to build a border fence and didn't. That money has to be somewhere. It'd just be a temporary loan to Mr. Adams. You'd get the fence money back, plus that extra 15% you could pour into your campaign.

That's a much better idea than relying on your 244 new twitter followers, isn't it.

Well, that's about all the help I can give you today. Good luck.

Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot

General JC Christian is a devout conservative and the proprietor of Jesus' General.

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