De-sexualizing and Re-sexualizing the American Mom

The Madonna/Whore Paradox

Ymagine

Making babies is sexy. Having them? Sometimes not so much. For many couples, the transition from carefree lovers to full-time parents comes with unexpected consequences in the bedroom. Maternal instinct can put the kibosh on the libido—of men and women alike. So, can a woman be a model mom and a red-hot momma?

(This article should NOT be read by TeaBaggers, Palinites, Republicans, Retarded Conservatives, Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians (or do I repeat myself here?) It contains content that these intellectually deficient folks will find objectionable. It will be a damnable sin for these persons of questionable intelligence to read this type material. If you belong to one of these monikers then resist the temptation to click and read this article-- Remember Jesus is watching YOU 24/7! -- Resist the temptation and go give Pancake Pat Robertson more of your money! The rest of us, normal people, read on without consequence, without condemnation, without guilt)

Birth of the Blues
On the night her first child was born, Kelly felt the world shift under her feet. She recognized an expansion of her self, her very soul. At the same time, she knew her sexuality hadn’t been eradicated; it has simply deepened, broadened, evolved. Her husband, Mark, however, had a tough time adjusting, not only to Kelly’s physical metamorphosis (the pregnancy, the lactating), but also to her new focus. The constant attention the baby required seemed overwhelming, and, as fathers often do, he felt left out.

Mark took to staying up later and later to watch porn and spend time alone. The couple’s sense of intimacy began to fade. Kelly felt alone with the baby and unattractive to Mark. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want Kelly anymore,” Mark recalls. “I admired her so much. What she did…carrying the baby and giving birth. That was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen.”

But the reality and responsibilities of fatherhood altered his perception. As Kelly transitioned from lover to mother, Mark says: “It was like I saw them as the same thing: the baby, the wife, the responsibility. It was almost the opposite of getting turned on or feeling sexual. The love was there, but the sexiness wasn’t anymore,” hastening to add, “even though Kelly is a beautiful woman, and in some ways even more beautiful now that she’s a mom. Does that make sense?”

Of course, since women are the ones going through the physical, psychological and hormonal changes of pregnancy and birth, they are not always the ones to feel the fear first. Men, by virtue of their distance from the delicate workings of the intrauterine transformation can appreciate the naked terror that arises—unduly or not—from taking on the raising of an entire human being from the beginning. It’s enough to make anyone shudder.

Choose Your Pigeonhole
Among my peers, I’ve observed the shifts taking place in of all of us: How we did or did not turn into our own mothers; how we did or did not neglect our sexual selves. You don’t have to be a mother to be labeled as a “nurturing” or “caring,” or even “maternal.” Every woman understands the psychological fracture born of the black-and-white stereotyping that decrees we are either “good” (Madonna) or “bad” (whore).

The dichotomy is pervasive in our culture. While some flout convention, like the women who donned T-shirts that read: “Hot Moms’ Club” in acknowledgement of the Madonna/whore split in their own lives, or the adult industry with its attempts to tap into the MILF porn niche and turn it into its own moneymaking industry, the question remains: Can a mother be a sexy?

My husband, an insightful and thoughtful, albeit very heterosexual male, offers the following take: “ I think it has a lot to do with a man’s insecurities. If he feels inadequate around his wife and children, he will be more likely to put her in the box— the place where she’s not hot anymore, she’s just the mom, his mom, the house mom, whatever. He’ll look for his fantasies elsewhere to prove to himself he’s still the man. But if he feels good about himself, and feels he’s pleasing his wife and she’s happy with him, he can still see her as hot and a mom all at once.” But the ball isn’t solely in the man’s court, he adds. “The woman’s got to make the effort to keep the heat going, too,” he says. She doesn’t have to be a different person, but she needs to put their chemistry on the front burner, so to speak.”

I can see his point. It takes a lot of inner strength for a man to feel his place in his own household when the mother is the one who tends to bruised knees and egos so effortlessly. But it also takes a woman feeling good about herself to make that date night count, and not just devolve into a ball of sweatpants and face cream once the little ones are tucked in for the night.

Culture Versus Nurture
If you want to see evidence that humans come fully equipped with a complex, multifaceted sexuality, visit your local art museum and peruse the displays of graphic statues and statuettes once used in ceremonial worship rituals that were fundamental elements of ancient cultures from around the globe. Large, protruding breasts, bellies and phalluses did not indicate wanton, freewheeling sexuality, but rather, a connection to fertility that in many cases was considered to be divine. Historically, men’s role was to walk tall and carry “a big stick;” women were supposed to grow large in the belly and heavy with child. These were part and parcel of our life cycle, aspects of our sexuality to be applauded and celebrated.

As society shifted from matriarchy to patriarchy, the perception of female sexuality was redefined, dividing women into “either/or” categories that translate to: “Hot women are selfish and cold” and “more nurturing (i.e. mommies) types are not at all sexy.”

Thankfully, some men refuse to buy into the current zeitgeist. “Every woman can be beautiful and sexy, just as every woman can be a cold selfish, heartless person. It really has less to do with what ‘type’ a woman is, and more to do with how happy she is,” says Frank, a newly married 27-year-old. “For me, if a woman is happy and confident and feels good about herself, that is going to be sexy, and I’m not going to sit there thinking about what category she fits into.”

But women have to stop buying into the hype as well. Women who project their own insecurities about their potential lack of attractiveness onto their partners are deflecting, rather than dealing with their own issues. A woman who fears she is no longer the hot siren she once was—or longs to be—may be sending the message to her partner that he simply “doesn’t get it.” It’s a counter-intuitive and dangerous tactic. All psychobabble aside, women must reconcile the split within their own psyches before they can relate honestly with their partners.

In Pink’s video, “Sober,” she attempts to resolve the conflicting aspects of her sober side and her impaired side. She begins by holding and comforting herself—the nurturing mother; but ends up actually making out with herself—the dirty whore, and it’s all the same woman—which may or may not turn you on, but it’s food for thought.

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