Poking Fun At Podunk, Texas

The itty bitty city in Texas called Coffee City (even though there is no coffee shop, or coffee store) is considering a PILE of crap ordinances for this fair city of 130 voters. A non-resident and NOT a citizen is proposing this pile of crap, and all they did was copy a bunch of ordinances from another town.. The danger in this is that it will not show those that were amended, thrown out, ruled illegal, ruled unconstitutional, or repealed. Additional legal danger is that the city being copied from is a different form of city than Podunk is, under State law.

One is to raise the age of majority to 21.. Why do they think Podunk has greater authority than the state?

One citizen said his dog would be dead, before he was able to read the doggie ordinances..

We decided to add to the pile for the city to consider..

Be it hereby ordained by the city council of Fluggervilla Coffee City:

Any animal doing its doody or urinating in a non-approved manner is a violation of the city's environmental codes, policies and standards.

Be it resolved that all owners of animals shall apply at city hall for a permit and upon payment of a $150.00 fee, shall be permitted to install toilet facilities for their animals, and their animals shall be required to use said facilities.

Any owner that allows their animal to poop or pee illegally shall subject to a $2000.00 fine for every violation. Multi-poopers will be assessed $2000.00 for each pile, and $1000.00 for each lump constituting said pile, each lump representing an additional violation of the law.

It shall be presumed as a matter of law that any evidence of such violations on owner's private property or within 50 feet of that property, that property owner shall be deemed the owner of the animal and guilty of the poop/pee violation. If said guilty owner does not have the city approved animal toilet facility available an additional fine of $3,000 will assessed.

Ordained Police Officers and Presidents of any Property Owners' Association shall be duly authorized, empowered, and ordered to gather any and all evidence of said violations of proof of the illegal poopers and urinators. The police or presidents shall maintain all piles or containers of urine for evidence in pristine condition for any court hearing for a period of six months.

Each police officer or president shall attest in writing before notary, that each pile of poop or container of urine or both were duly gathered and maintained in such manner that the chain of evidence cannot be questioned.

Any animal caught cleaning its posterior by dragging it along the ground is a violation of Fluggervilla's Coffee City's sanitation codes, and the owner of the property or 50 feet from the property line, upon which the posterior cleaning occurred, shall be deemed the owner of the animal and fined $2,000.00.

Be it ordained this 31st day of September, in the year of our Lord 2011, by the City Council of Fluggervilla Coffee City.

The city secretary is ordered to post this ordinance in the authorized publication immediately, and shall become law upon publication.

Mayor of Fluggervilla
Coffee City

Signed by Council Members below:

Fluggervilla Coffee City Environmental Air Quality Code
Noxious Expellents

Be it hereby ordained by the city council of Fluggervilla Coffee City:

Noxious expellents from any human person or animal is hereby declared an act violating the Fluggerilla Coffee City Air Quality Code

All food and drink known to accelerate flatulence and pollute the air, such as beans or beer, is forbidden within the city limits, as a danger to public safety. Any person or business, consuming or selling such items shall be fined $2,000.

Noxious expellents from the stern of the human body or animal within 300 feet of another human being or animal is hereby a violation of the code. Any person or owner of an animal that violates the 300 feet rule shall be fined $1,500.

Noxious expellents, Anal acoustics, in front of or behind a fan, or in the vicinity of a return air duct of an air conditioning or heating system is hereby declared a violation of the code, with a fine to be determined by a jury or judge of not less than $50 nor more than $5,000. In determining the fine the jury or judge shall determine the noxious content of the backdoor breeze and the decibel rating of the Anal audio act.

Expelling noxious bottom burps or belching from the bottomland in a public place or a government building is forbidden. Violators found guilty shall be fined $1,000 for the 1st offense, $2000 for the second offense and shall be required to remediation therapy with Anal Ahems Anonymous. A third offense shall be fined $3,000 and required to ride with police as they follow, hunt down, locate, and charge other noxious bottom volcano violators. After the third offense the person shall be required to wear and be outfitted with special apparatus to capture noxious flatulence in an inflatable balloon.

All animals, pet, ranch, cattle, horses, etc. shall be outfitted with special apparatus to capture noxious flatulence in an inflatable balloon. When filled, the owner shall deliver safely all anal burp bags to the Chief of Police, who then shall deliver said bags to the Fluggervilla Coffee City Hazardous Waste Facility. The owners of the noxious air bags shall be liable and responsible for paying all, costs, fees, and fines for disposal of the bags.

Ordained Police Officers and Presidents of any Property Owners' Association shall be duly authorized, empowered, and ordered to gather any and all evidence of said violations of proof of the illegal noxious expellents. The police or presidents shall maintain all samples of the noxious fumes for evidence in pristine condition for any court hearing for a period of six months.

Each police officer or president shall attest in writing before notary, that each noxious sampling was duly gathered and maintained in such manner that the chain of evidence cannot be questioned.

Each person, police officer, or president handling or performing these dangerous anal symphonies and/or loaded air bombs, shall be required to purchase, at their own expense, full dress HAZMAT protective dress and equipment.

Be it ordained this 31st day of September, in the year of our Lord 2011, by the City Council of Fluggervilla Coffee City.

The city secretary is ordered to post this ordinance in the authorized publication immediately, and shall become law upon publication.

Mayor of Fluggervilla
Coffee City

Signed by Council Members below:

Fluggervilla Coffee City Good Citizen Rulebook and Compliance Code

Be it hereby ordained by the city council of Fluggervilla Coffee City:

For the continuance of good governance the City Council of Fluggervilla Coffee City, the following rules, codes, and laws are hereby decreed, enacted and stand in full force for enforcement, submission, and compliance.

No citizen of Fluggervilla Coffee City shall ever criticize or question the city, the city council, any of the officials on the council, or in any way cast the council or city in a less than favorable tone. Criticizing the council is futile, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

Good citizens need no rights, never ask for any rights, and only have those that the Fluggervilla Coffee City council determines absolutely necessary and proper, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

All acts of the council are socialist and fascist in nature and performance, but such terms shall be considered by the citizens as Democracy, Free Market, and Holy, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

Any violation of state or federal law by the city or city officials is right and proper in the city limits of Fluggervilla Coffee City, and these are done for the city and the citizens, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

In public all citizens shall express loyalty to the US Constitution and the Texas Constitution, the same as the members of the city council, but in the stark reality of managing a good city for its citizens these antiques are set aside in Fluggervilla Coffee City, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

Good Citizens never write editorials to the local paper, unless they are bona-fide praise for the city and city officials. All such writings shall first be submitted to the Mayor for enhancement and approval, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

No citizen should ever question the city finances, expenditures or receipts, these are in very good hands, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

No citizen should ever question the honesty or integrity of any Fluggervilla Coffee City government official or employee, since the council watches over all of us and since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

A free press is a detriment to good government, so no citizen shall ever consider publishing in any media anything that even appears critical of the city, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

All fees, fines, and taxes are necessary for good government, and no citizen shall ever show any thing but a gleeful acceptance of these payments, nor shall they contest a fine, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

No citizen shall ever protest any decision by the Fluggervilla Coffee City City Council, by petition, writing, marching, demonstrating, etc., since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

No good citizen should ever need or ask for any public information request, since the council is taking care of all the city's business, and since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

No good citizen shall ever poke fun, make fun, tell jokes about our city or our city council, since the council can make no mistakes in regard to the citizen and the city, and since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

No group of citizens shall ever meet to discuss any acts or dealings of the city council. There is nothing to be gained since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

Good citizens will never apply to any authority outside the jurisdiction of Fluggervilla Coffee City, since we the council know far better than the State of Texas or the County of Henderson, what we need for our city and since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

The city council in its ominificent wisdom has determined that notices of meetings are a waste of time, and no good citizen has any need to attend such a meeting, therefore there shall be no more notices of meetings posted anywhere at anytime, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

Any citizen violating any of the Good Citizen Rules as outlined above, shall be subject to a criminal penalty and a fine of $10,000 for each violation, since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens.

The rulebook may not include every detail or every rule that needs to be addressed to protect our city and the city council, and since we all know that the council knows what's best for the city and its citizens, these rules shall be liberally interpreted in favor of the council, and any of the three council members who have signed below may add additional rules to this rulebook.

All these rules and additions shall be private, held within the jurisdiction of Fluggervilla Coffee City, and are sacrosanct and Holy.

Be it ordained this 31st day of February, in the year of our Lord 2011, by the City Council of Fluggervilla Coffee City, in Executive Session, with a legal quorum consisting of the three council members invited, the aforementioned and any additions are law.

The city secretary is ordered to NOT post this ordinance in the authorized publication, and shall become law upon the secretary filing.

Mayor of Fluggervilla
Coffee City

Signed by Council Members below: